The Halloweenies
by Semdai Bloodquill
Summary: Updated! Chap. 4. Halloween is here and the quest for the Cursed Crunch Bars has begun! If only our heroes knew where to start looking.
1. Soda, Stairs, and Stupidity

Disclaimer : No matter how many times I up my bid, or however many pleading letters I send, or however many times I attempt to steal the deeds from the copyright office myself (or have someone else try for me), or however many times I try to get the characters to simply run away with me, I shall never own Forgotten Realms or its people. (turns and bawls on Jarlaxle's shoulder)  
  
The Halloweenies  
  
By Semdai Bloodquill  
  
(Semdai paces absently in the living room. Jarlaxle, Dantrag and Berg'inyon Baenre, along with Artemis Entreri and Ivan and Pikel Bouldershoulder, all sit in comfortable chairs watching her. A coffe table in front of them is adorned by various cans of highly sugared soda.)  
  
Semdai - (pacing) Where are they?  
  
Entreri - Who?  
  
Semdai - The others.  
  
Entreri - What others?  
  
Semdai - The other people I invited to this pathetic excuse for comedy.  
  
Entreri - (slaps his forehead) You're hopeless.  
  
Jarlaxle - (laughs heartily) Semdai you need to relax.  
  
Semdai - (stops pacing in front of Jarlaxle) We can't start the story without the others.  
  
Dantrag - Technically we've already started.  
  
Semdai - (glares at Dantrag) Interrupt me with another of those smart-ass remarks again and I'll  
  
make you wish that I didn't resurrect you in such fine condition.  
  
Dantrag - (remembers a mob of squealing preppy fans) No! Not the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans!  
  
Semdai - Yes, the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans.  
  
Pikel - Ooo...  
  
Jarlaxle - (takes Semdai's hand) Now, now, Semdai, you need to relax. Sit down with me.  
  
(Semdai obediently sits in Jarlaxle's lap and curls herself up in his arms. He puts his feet up on the coffee table before them.)  
  
Jarlaxle - Now isn't this nice?  
  
Semdai - (calmly) Get your feet off my coffee table.  
  
Jarlaxle - Yes Ma'am. (gets his feet off the coffee table and prepares to dump Semdai on the floor)  
  
Semdai - Hey! I just remembered something!  
  
Dantrag - (picks up a Orange Soda from the coffee table and opens it) What's that?  
  
Berg'inyon - That's Orange Soda.  
  
Dantrag - I know that's Orange Soda! I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the great and mighty Semdai. (attempts to bow while sitting but ends up falling forward into the coffee table) Semdai - If you spill soda on my coffee table I'll give you to the mob. And by the way flattery gets you nowhere with me.  
  
Dantrag - (fumbles desperately to keep from dropping his soda) Yes Mistress!  
  
Jarlaxle - (amused by all this) So what did you remember?  
  
Entreri - That Semdai has short term memory loss?  
  
Semdai - (grabs a Mountain Dew from the table and chucks it at Entreri) Take that Asshole!  
  
Entreri - What! (turns to face Semdai and gets hit in the nose by the can of Mountain Dew, which bounces off his face and flies toward Pikel)  
  
Pikel - (catches the soda) Ooo! (prepares to open the soda)  
  
Ivan - Doodad, wait!  
  
Pikel - (opens the soda, which goes flying drenching everyone with Mountain Dew) Ooo!  
  
Berg'inyon - (dives under the couch) Soda pop! Take cover!  
  
(The now empty can falls and hits Dantrag on the head)  
  
Dantrag - (rubs his head) Damn can.  
  
Berg'inyon - (peeks out from under the couch) Is it safe?  
  
Semdai - Relatively so.  
  
Berg'inyon - (crawls out from under the couch)  
  
Ivan - Durn Doodad.  
  
Semdai - What were we talking about?  
  
Dantrag - What Semdai remembered that was important.  
  
Semdai - Oh yeah!  
  
Jarlaxle - What was that?  
  
Semdai - What?  
  
Jarlaxle - What was that.  
  
Semdai - No, what was that?  
  
Jarlaxle - (very confused) What was what?  
  
Semdai - What was it you said what for?  
  
Entreri - Am I the only one who's confused?  
  
Ivan - No, I am too.  
  
Entreri - Good, then it's not just me.  
  
Jarlaxle - I meant what did you remember.  
  
Semdai - (simply) I never said the disclaimer for this story.  
  
Jarlaxle - Really... (once again prepares to dump Semdai)  
  
Semdai - (realizes Jarlaxle's plan and, using his lower abdomen as a launch- pad, jumps off his lap, grabbing his hat as she goes) HA HA!  
  
Jarlaxle - (groans and scrunches up as Semdai's escape compresses his male tender spot)  
  
Semdai - (now wearing Jarlaxle's hat) That'll teach you. Hey Artemis, will you do the disclaimer?  
  
Entreri - (attempting to realign his nose after being hit with the soda can) Don't call me Artemis!  
  
Semdai - (turns to Dantrag and calls sweetly) Oh Dantrag!  
  
Dantrag - Do I have to?  
  
Semdai - (Imitates a member of the Dreaded Mob of Various Character Fans with a sweet, preppy voice) Oh Dantrag, you're so sexy! Give us a snog you sexy thing! Will you let us rub lotion on you! (notices that Dantrag is having too much fun and adds in her normal voice) Dantrag, let us strip you stark naked, dangle you on a hook, and play with you until you cry for death!  
  
Dantrag - (horrified) I'll do it! Semdai does not own me, Jarlaxle, Artemis-  
  
Entreri -DON'T CALL ME ARTEMIS!!!  
  
Dantrag - Or anybody else from Forgotten Realms.  
  
Jarlaxle - (slowly recovering from having his genitals used as a launch- pad) Can I have my outrageously plumed hat back?  
  
Semdai - No, you tried to drop me.  
  
Jarlaxle - Did not!  
  
Dantrag - Well actually Jarlaxle, according to the script- (pulls the scrip out from under the cushion of his chair)  
  
Semdai - (slaps her forehead) So that's where I put it!  
  
Entreri - (shakes his head slowly)  
  
Dantrag - (reading the script) It says here, 'Jarlaxle - Really... Once again prepares to dump Semdai.'  
  
Jarlaxle - (rubs his head and chuckles despite the pain in his lower body) I guess that makes me guilty.  
  
Entreri - (imitates Nelson from 'The Simpsons') Ha ha!  
  
Jarlaxle - So can I have my outrageously plumed hat back?  
  
Semdai - (thinks) Nope. (suddenly dashes forward and snatches a helpless Jarlaxle's eye patch)  
  
Jarlaxle - (leaps after Semdai) No! Not my customary eye patch! (chases Semdai in circles)  
  
Berg'inyon - (shakes his head) Shame on you, Jarlaxle.  
  
Jarlaxle - (eventually backs Semdai into a corner) Now give my stuff back.  
  
Semdai - (whips out a "wand" and points it at Jarlaxle) Get back! I've got a wand and I know how to use it!  
  
Jarlaxle - (calmly) Semdai, that's a stick covered in duct tape.  
  
Semdai - (shrugs) So I sat on it a few times, it still works. Observe. (flicks the wand and a ball of light shoot out of its tip and ricochets around the room)  
  
Berg'inyon - Flying ball of light! (dives back under the couch) Take cover!  
  
(The door opens and Drizzt arrives Catti-brie, Wulfgar, Regis, and Bruenor behind him. The light ball collides with Drizzt's head sending him crashing backwards down a flight of stairs into utter blackness.)  
  
Semdai - Oops. (runs to the rail) Drizzt! Can you hear me!  
  
Echo - Can you hear me... hear me... me...  
  
Semdai - I asked you first!  
  
Echo - I asked you first... first...  
  
Semdai - No sir!  
  
Echo - No sir... No sir.. sir...  
  
Semdai - Shut up!  
  
Echo - Shut up... up...  
  
Semdai - No you shut up!  
  
Echo - No you shut up... shut up...  
  
Semdai - No you first!  
  
Entreri - (smacks Semdai up the back side of her head) Quit yelling at your echo!  
  
Semdai - (crosses her arms over her chest) Well HE started it.  
  
Catti-brie - What about Drizzt?  
  
Semdai - Oh yeah! (leans over the banister) Drizzt!  
  
(No answer comes. Dantrag joins them at the rail.)  
  
Entreri - (shocked) You killed him, Semdai.  
  
Drizzt - (from below the dark clouds hovering around the bottom of the stairs) Stop telling people I'm dead!  
  
Entreri - (tearfully) How could you, Semdai, Drizzt was supposed to die in a final conclusive battle against me, not get hit with a shiny ball and fall down a staircase! (turns and cries on Dantrag's shoulder.) Why!  
  
Drizzt - (still below the clouds) I said stop telling people I'm dead!  
  
Entreri - (sadly) I can still hear his voice. (sniffles)  
  
Semdai - Just how hard did that can hit you?  
  
Dantrag - (nervously pats the sobbing Entreri on the back) There, there, Artemis.  
  
Entreri - (pulls out his jeweled dagger and stabs it into Dantrag's belly) I said don't call me Artemis!  
  
Dantrag - (falls to the ground holding his belly) Ok, Ok! (groans) Don't have a cow.  
  
Semdai - (kicks Entreri in the rear) What do you think you're doing!?  
  
Entreri - (rubs his rump) Stabbing Dantrag. (wipes the blood off his dagger)  
  
Semdai - (fuming) That is completely unexceptable! There will be no more stabbing in this ramble unless it is done by me or Jarlaxle!  
  
Entreri - Hey that's not fair! How come Jarlaxle gets to stab people?!  
  
Semdai - Because I think Jarlaxle is very sexy. (Pikel comes running over with the script) What? (Pikel shows it to Semdai. She reads it) Oh! Thank you Pikel. (Pikel runs off) Excuse me, Jarlaxle gets to stab people because he's older than me.  
  
Entreri - (gets in Semdai's face) I'm older than you too!  
  
Semdai - (matches Entreri's moves) Well I'm the author (points a finger at herself) and this is my ramble and if you don't stop arguing with me then I'll give you to The Mob! (pokes Entreri in the chest) Ooo! You're muscular. (pokes him again)  
  
Entreri - (runs away and hides in the bathroom) Rape! Rape!  
  
Semdai - (shrugs) Oh well, you win a few you lose a few.  
  
Dantrag - Hello? I'm like bleeding from a mortal wound here!  
  
Semdai - Oh yeah. (bends over and stares at Dantrag's wound) You'll live. Just suck the blood.  
  
Dantrag - (confused) From my stomach?  
  
Semdai - Want me to do it for you?  
  
Dantrag - (quickly) No! No, that's Ok! I'll manage.  
  
Semdai - (leans over the railing) Drizzt, are you all right down there?  
  
Drizzt - I can't feel my toes!  
  
Semdai - That's great, Drizzt!  
  
Catti-brie - (charges down the stairs with Wulfgar, Bruenor, and Regis tailing behind) I'm coming, Drizzt!  
  
Semdai - See ya when you get back! Bring Kellindil up if you find him!  
  
(Jarlaxle tries to creep up on Semdai but she notices and sends a light ball in his direction. The ball hits him in the chest and launches him backward into his chair, which promptly topples over backward.)  
  
Semdai - (blows on her wand as if it were a gun) That'll teach you to sneak up on me.  
  
Berg'inyon - (still hiding under the couch, but with his rump protruding) Is it safe?  
  
Semdai - (smiles evilly) No. (shoots Berg'inyon in the rump with another light ball)  
  
Berg'inyon - (yelps as he is shoved far enough under the couch to get stuck)  
  
Dantrag - (still holding his belly) Ha !  
  
Jarlaxle - (pulls himself up, rubbing his chest) That hurt.  
  
Ivan - Sweet Mother of Pearl!  
  
All - What?  
  
Ivan - (points at Jarlaxle) He's become-  
  
Pikel - (interrupts) DUN DUN DUN!  
  
Ivan - (continues) -a teenage drow!  
  
Jarlaxle - What? (looks himself over)  
  
Semdai - Ivan's right. Hey, Jarlaxle's got hair!  
  
Jarlaxle - (reaches up fearfully and feels silky, white hair on his once bald head. A horrified look crosses his face.) NOOO! (gets up and runs for the bathroom) I hate hair!  
  
Entreri - (walks out of the bathroom, the swinging door smacks into Jarlaxle's face, knocking him backwards) Is it safe out yet?  
  
Berg'inyon - (trying to get un-stuck from the couch) No! It's not safe! Flee while you still can!  
  
Semdai - Berg'inyon sounds different.  
  
Dantrag - Really?  
  
Jarlaxle - (obliviously rolls on the ground holding his nose) Oh God that hurts!  
  
Semdai - (approaches Berg'inyon's rump) Give me a hand here you guys! (grabs hold of Berg'inyon's rear)  
  
Berg'inyon - Hey! Who's grabbing my ass!  
  
Dantrag - (grabs Semdai's waist) Ready!  
  
Ivan - (grabs Dantrag's waist) Ready!  
  
Pikel - (grabs Ivan's waist) Doodad!  
  
Semdai - You too, Entreri!  
  
Entreri - No! This time I'm putting my foot down, Semdai, I will not do what you say!  
  
Semdai - (lets go of Berg'inyon, pulls out her wand, and waves it menacingly at Entreri's groin) Do it or else.  
  
Entreri - (Grabs Pikel's shoulders) Yes Ma'am!  
  
Semdai - Now let's try this again. (grabs Berg'inyon's rump again)  
  
Berg'inyon - Stop grabbing my ass!  
  
Semdai - On three!  
  
Berg'inyon - What happens on three?  
  
Semdai - One... Two.. THREE!  
  
(Everyone, except Jarlaxle who is still rolling on the floor holding his nose, pulls very hard. After a few seconds, Berg'inyon comes free of the couch, sending everyone tumbling backwards eventually landing in a huge heap. Berg'inyon ends up in Semdai's lap.)  
  
Semdai - (immediately squeezes Berg'inyon like a stuffed animal) Oh he's so cute as a teenage drow!  
  
Berg'inyon - (eyes bulging) Help! Wait a minute! Teenage drow?!  
  
Semdai - Yes. It would appear that my magic light balls have magical properties that magically make people turn back into teenagers.  
  
Ivan - She likes magic.  
  
Entreri - Tell us about it.  
  
(A scream from Catti-brie erupts)  
  
All - Huh?  
  
Catti-brie - Semdai! What have you done to Drizzy!?  
  
Entreri - Drizzy?  
  
Catti-brie - (comes charging up the stairs, dragging a teenage Drizzt behind her) Look what yer stupid light ball did to him!  
  
Semdai - (shrugs) It happened to Jar and Bergy too.  
  
Entreri - Jar and Bergy?  
  
Ivan - Did she get hit with a soda can too?  
  
Drizzt - (looks himself over) I'm young again.  
  
Dantrag - (crawls out from under Semdai) You were always young by drow standards. And by the way, Semdai, might I add a comment?  
  
Semdai - (sitting on Dantrag) If you must.  
  
Dantrag - Your butt is very soft.  
  
Semdai - Thank you, Dandy.  
  
Entreri - Dandy?  
  
Semdai - That's right, Arty.  
  
Entreri - Arty!? Arty!? That's it! The nicknaming has to stop! Where do you come up with these things?!  
  
Semdai - I don't know.  
  
Dantrag - (drumming his fingers on the floor while Semdai is still sitting on him) Same place she gets her crazy story ideas I suppose.  
  
Semdai - Hey boys, I got an idea.  
  
Berg'inyon - (leaps out of Semdai's arms) Take Cover! Semdai's got an idea! (dives under the couch)  
  
Semdai - (gets off Dantrag and kicks Berg'inyon's exposed rump for good measure) Take that!  
  
Berg'inyon - Ouchie!  
  
Semdai - (clears throat) Anyway... Who wants to see what Artemis was like as a teenager?  
  
Entreri - (backs up slowly with his hands up) You wouldn't!  
  
Semdai - Yes I would! (shoots a light ball at Entreri)  
  
Entreri - NO! (turns to run but gets hit in the back by the light ball and falls)  
  
Semdai - (blows on her wand again)  
  
Dantrag - (gets up and brushes himself off) Nice shot.  
  
Jarlaxle - (still holding his nose) I'll say.  
  
Semdai - How's your nose?  
  
Jarlaxle - I think it's broken.  
  
Semdai - Is that all? (snaps her fingers and Jarlaxle's nose resets itself)  
  
Jarlaxle - Wow! Thanks.  
  
Catti-brie - SEMDAI!!!  
  
Semdai - That's my name and don't wear it out.  
  
Catti-brie - Look what you've done to Drizzt!  
  
Dantrag - Didn't we just say she made him young again?  
  
Catti-brie - Change him back!  
  
Semdai - Can't.  
  
Catti-brie - WHY?!  
  
Semdai - (shrugs) Don't know how.  
  
Catti-brie - That's it! (tries to tackle Semdai)  
  
Jarlaxle - (waves his hand and makes Catti-brie levitate away from Semdai)  
  
Semdai - (bows) My Thanks.  
  
Jarlaxle - One favor deserves another.  
  
Catti-brie - Put me down!  
  
Jarlaxle - (drops her on her rear) Better?  
  
Catti-brie - Asshole.  
  
Jarlaxle - Suit yourself.  
  
Semdai - Hey, do you guys know what today is?  
  
Entreri - (getting up) Saturday, stupid.  
  
Semdai - No! Well that too, but it's Halloween!  
  
Jarlaxle - What in Menzoberranzan is Halloween?  
  
Semdai - Only one of the best holidays of the year!  
  
Entreri - I wanna be demon this year. (rubs his hands together and smiles evilly)  
  
Semdai - Teenage Artemis reminds me of a Neo-Sephiroth.  
  
Entreri - (glares at Semdai) Don't call me Artemis.  
  
Semdai - Who wants to go trick-or-treating with me tonight?  
  
Berg'inyon - (crawls out from under the couch) Me!  
  
Dantrag - Me!  
  
Jarlaxle - Me!  
  
Pikel - Doodad!  
  
Ivan - Me!  
  
Drizzt - Me!  
  
Catti-brie - Oh no you're not.  
  
Drizzt - Party-pooper.  
  
Semdai - Since when are you his mother?  
  
Catti-brie - Who knows what you'll put him through!  
  
Semdai - Nothing worse than when you tried to rape him in Siege of Darkness.  
  
Catti-brie - Hey! That wasn't my fault! Khazad'Hea made me do it!  
  
Semdai - Oh give it up, we all know you wanted it.  
  
Catti-brie - No!  
  
Semdai - Anybody who's read a RAS book with you and Drizzt in it knows you've got the major hots for him.  
  
Catti-brie - (blushes) Shut up!  
  
Wulfgar - If I could get a word in-  
  
Catti-brie - Stay out of this!  
  
Semdai - (taunting voice) Oh come on, Catti-brie, you can't deny that Drizzt is one of the sexiest males alive.  
  
Jarlaxle - What about us?  
  
Semdai - (turns and gives Jarlaxle a sexy grin) I said 'ONE OF the sexiest males alive' for at least four good reasons.  
  
Jarlaxle - (spins a pirouette) You are too kind, mademoiselle.  
  
Dantrag - (slaps his forehead) Even as a teenager he was a lady's man.  
  
Jarlaxle - You better believe it.  
  
Dantrag - Your mother did a terrible job breaking you.  
  
Jarlaxle - My mother was your mother too.  
  
Dantrag - Oh yeah. My bad.  
  
Semdai - You become a teenager! (shoots Dantrag with a light ball)  
  
Dantrag - (spins several times from the impact) Yeah! I'm young again!  
  
Catti-brie - See what you've done to them!  
  
Semdai - Nothing bad.  
  
Catti-brie - You've turned them into crazed, testosterone driven teenage boys!  
  
Semdai - (slowly) And that's...bad?  
  
Catti-brie - Yes!  
  
Semdai - Why? They're more willing to have sex with me now.  
  
Pikel - Ooo!  
  
Catti-brie - That was completely inappropriate!  
  
Jarlaxle - But true! (slaps Semdai's rump)  
  
Semdai - (sexy-like) Ooo Jarlaxle!  
  
Catti-brie - And this is supposed to be rated PG!  
  
Dantrag - (pulls out the script again) Actually, PG-13.  
  
Catti-brie - Still!  
  
Semdai/Jarlaxle - What?  
  
Catti-brie - You're acting like... like...  
  
Semdai/Jarlaxle - Sex craving teenagers?  
  
Catti-brie - Yes!  
  
Semdai/Jarlaxle - (look at each other) But we ARE sex craving teenagers. (run off together laughing maniacally)  
  
Ivan - O. K. That was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.  
  
Dantrag - Hey. Now that Semdai's gone, who's gonna continue this ramble.  
  
Ivan - It's continuing now isn't it?  
  
Dantrag - According to my theory, (voice slowly becomes frantic as he speaks) the only reason we haven't disappeared yet is because we're making the story continue with our dialogue. In order to fully continue the piece we need an author or we will all descend into blackness and be forced to cut off the readers! (calmly) Granted that's the worse case scenario.  
  
Catti-brie - So have one of us continue.  
  
Dantrag - We can't!  
  
Catti-brie - Why not?  
  
Dantrag - We are the characters, we can't write the story or we won't be characters anymore.  
  
Catti-brie - Isn't Semdai a character?  
  
Dantrag - Technically no because she is the author and her presence in the actual story is merely an authorical presence.  
  
Catti-brie - (frustrated) In Common Tongue please.  
  
Berg'inyon - She put herself in her own story.  
  
Catti-brie - Doesn't that seem pathetic to you?  
  
(Catti-brie suddenly flies backward and crashes into the wall)  
  
Catti-brie - What the Hell!  
  
Dantrag - It would appear that even though Semdai is off fooling around with Jarlaxle she still exhibits a measure of control over the events here.  
  
Berg'inyon - Dictionary reader.  
  
Dantrag - (locks his fingers behind his head) I can't it help if Semdai made me smarter when she resurrected me.  
  
Berg'inyon - Hey where's Artemis?  
  
Entreri - (from the bathroom) Don't call me Artemis!  
  
Dantrag - What's he doing in the bathroom?  
  
Catti-brie - I'll check. (opens the door to see Entreri taking a leak. Her eyes get really big.)  
  
Entreri - Hey! Can't a guy take a piss by himself!  
  
Catti-brie - (her eyes get even bigger as she sees something she would rather not have seen)  
  
Entreri - What are you staring at!?  
  
Catti-brie - (runs from the room screaming in fear)  
  
Entreri - (shrugs) What got into her?  
  
Catti-brie - (runs into Dantrag) People are not meant to be that big!  
  
Dantrag - (grossed out) I didn't need to know that.  
  
Entreri - (from the bathroom) Why were you looking!  
  
Catti-brie - I'm traumatized for life now!  
  
Drizzt - (leans over to Wulfgar) I hope you don't wear an extra-large jock strap, Wulfgar.  
  
Wulfgar - (glares at Drizzt) You sick, drow bastard.  
  
Drizzt - That's actually true. I've had a cold lately and my dad wasn't married to my mother, at least not when I was born.  
  
Wulfgar - (slaps his forehead) Not what I meant.  
  
Pikel - Ooo...  
  
Drizzt - (shrugs)  
  
Bruenor - (leans over and whispers to Drizzt) A skinny wuss like that prob'ly can't even lift it if it's as big as me girl says.  
  
Drizzt - (suppresses a laugh, which comes out as a snort, with a shit- eaten' grin on his face)  
  
Entreri - (from the bathroom) I heard that, you stupid dwarf!  
  
Bruenor - (sarcastically) I'm quaking' in my leather boots, Wussy Assassin!  
  
Entreri - (emerges from the bathroom naked from head to waist) I am not a wussy assassin!  
  
Bruenor - (pretends to be blinded) Ah! The whiteness of Entreri's chest! It burns!  
  
Drizzt - (joins in) Too bright for my drow eyes! (turns away) Blinding white!  
  
Entreri - (crosses his arms over his chest) You're just jealous that I'm better looking than you.  
  
Wulfgar - Don't you ever go outside?  
  
Entreri - (makes a cross with his fingers and hisses) Sunlight... (shivers) ...evil.  
  
Wulfgar - Can we say "nutcase?"  
  
Entreri - I DO go outside!  
  
Drizzt - Yeah, at night.  
  
Entreri - That counts.  
  
Dantrag - I think our author problem has been solved.  
  
Berg'inyon - How do ya figure?  
  
Dantrag - (points to the wall as it opens into a doorway and Semdai steps out) See?  
  
Semdai - (her hair is very messy and her clothes, which are actually Jarlaxle's, are on backwards) What'd we miss?  
  
Jarlaxle - (steps out of the doorway next to Semdai. Oddly enough, he is wearing only [Semdai's] pants) Any thing juicy?  
  
Entreri - (snobbishly) Well would ya look at what the astral shifting panther dragged in.  
  
Wulfgar - Why is Jarlaxle wearing Semdai's pants?  
  
Jarlaxle - (looks down and a confused look crosses his face) Now how did this happen?  
  
Catti-brie - And how did Semdai get in Jarlaxle's pants?  
  
Dantrag - I imagine it was quite simple for her to charm him into taking them off for her and-  
  
Catti-brie - (tackles Dantrag and holds him down with a knife against his throat) It is vitally important to your life that you not finish that sentence.  
  
Dantrag - (taking note that in order for Catti-brie to hold the knife on him she has to sit on his chest) Well you did ask. And might I add that this lap dance would be better if you scoot down a bit.  
  
Catti-brie - (tries to cut Dantrag's throat savagely) YOU SICK, PERVERTED, EVIL, CONIVING, DROW BASTARD!!! (finds that her dagger can't penetrate his skin) What the Hell? Why won't you die?!  
  
Semdai - Because he's my bitch and you can't kill him.  
  
Catti-brie - (growls angrily) Bitch.  
  
Semdai - Now get off Bitch #3's chest!  
  
Catti-brie - Bitch #3?  
  
Semdai - Yeah. Jarlaxle's #1, #2 isn't here yet, Dantrag's #3, Banana makes 4, and Entreri and Drizzy tie for 5.  
  
Catti-brie - Who's Banana?  
  
Semdai - Why Berg'inyon of course.  
  
Catti-brie - (confused) Why is he called... (her voice trails off as she realizes what she is saying) Oh Gods! (runs screaming from the room) Mental image!  
  
Semdai - Finally. I thought she'd never leave.  
  
Wulfgar - (looks questioningly at Berg'inyon) Banana?  
  
Berg'inyon - (grins wickedly) Oh yeah.  
  
Semdai - Plus 'Banana' and 'Berg'inyon' both start with B.  
  
Drizzt - Who's #2?  
  
Semdai - I'm sure he'll show up soon. I'm expecting him right about... (checks her watch)  
  
(The door bursts open and Zaknafein enters dragging Kellindil behind him by the seat of the gold elf's pants)  
  
Kellindil - (clawing at the floor) No! I don't wanna go! I'm too young to die now!  
  
Zaknafein - Oh quite your whining.  
  
Semdai - ...now.  
  
Zaknafein - Sorry we're late, Kellindil tried to cut and run when I told him where we were going.  
  
Semdai - (seeming hurt) Kellindil, don't you like me?  
  
Kellindil - (sarcastically) After you wrote this terribly descriptive death scene for me in your other Forgotten Realms fic in which I died a horrible and painful death, how could I possibly not like you?  
  
Zaknafein - (kicks Kellindil in the rear) Hey lighten up, she wrote me a worse death scene than you and I'm not complaining.  
  
Kellindil - Mine was more painful.  
  
Zaknafein - Well in yours all that killed you was suffocation in one form or another.  
  
Kellindil - So?  
  
Zaknafein - In mine I was choked, punched, burned, gutted, stabbed, and had my heart torn out.  
  
Jarlaxle - Now that's an impressive death.  
  
Zaknafein - Damn right. So quite your complaining, you got it easy compared to some of the others in this room.  
  
Dantrag - Me included.  
  
Kellindil - But she at least brought you back to your family.  
  
Dantrag - (snorts) And a whole lot of comfort that was and I suffered the whole trip back to the compound. (glares at Berg'inyon)  
  
Berg'inyon - What?  
  
Dantrag - You and your lizard mount that likes to bump all the time.  
  
Berg'inyon - (waves his hand) Lizard's fault.  
  
Kellindil - Wait a second! Why do you all seem younger to me?  
  
Semdai - (beams proudly) Because my wand turned them into teenagers.  
  
Kellindil - Wulfgar, Ivan, and Pikel don't look like teens.  
  
Semdai - Must have missed them. (shoots three light balls... blah blah blah. you know the rest.)  
  
Wulfgar - (now a scrawny little barbarian) No! I'm scrawny!  
  
Drizzt - Hi Scrawny, I'm Drizzt.  
  
Wulfgar - (glares at Drizzt) Wise ass...  
  
Pikel - Oo oi!  
  
Jarlaxle - Pikel doesn't seem any different to me.  
  
Ivan - He does, after all, already have the mental capacity of a three year old.  
  
Pikel - Doodad!  
  
Kellindil - Why is Semdai wearing Jarlaxle's shirt?  
  
Jarlaxle - Now how did that happen?  
  
Semdai - Oh here Jar, you can have your shirt back now. (moves to take off her shirt but is tackled by Kellindil, Wulfgar, Ivan, and Bruenor)  
  
Kellindil - Don't you dare!  
  
Bruenor - That is not something we need to see!  
  
Semdai - What!?  
  
Wulfgar - We don't wanna see you with your shirt off!  
  
Semdai - It's Jarlaxle's shirt.  
  
Ivan - Still!  
  
Dantrag - Aw let her take it off.  
  
Berg'inyon - It's nothing most of us haven't seen anyway.  
  
Wulfgar - Some of us DON'T want to see Semdai topless if you don't mind.  
  
Drizzt - Just turn your head.  
  
Wulfgar - Are you saying that you WANT Semdai to take her shirt off?  
  
Semdai - Jarlaxle's shirt!  
  
Wulfgar - Whatever!  
  
Drizzt - I wouldn't mind.  
  
Wulfgar - Honorable ranger my ass.  
  
Semdai - (uses her wand to launch her captors off of her)  
  
Dantrag/Berg'inyon/Jarlaxle/Zaknafein - (chanting) Take it off. Take it off. Take it off.  
  
Drizzt/Entreri - (observe quietly)  
  
Catti-brie - (comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Semdai keeping her from taking the shirt off) Oh no you don't, you five-cent whore!  
  
Semdai - (rolls over and tries to punch Catti-brie) I'll teach you, Jealous Wannabe!  
  
All the boys(minus Kellindil) - Bitch fight! Bitch fight!  
  
Wulfgar/Bruenor - Go Catti-brie!  
  
Jarlaxle - Left side, Semdai, left side!  
  
Dantrag - Semdai, go for the eyes!  
  
Berg'inyon - Go for the chest Semdai, the chest!  
  
The other males - (stare questioningly at Berg'inyon)  
  
Berg'inyon - What?  
  
Jarlaxle - Good idea. Semdai! Poke her in the chest!  
  
Semdai - (uses her secret poking technique and jabs Catti-brie in the boob) Take that!  
  
Catti-brie - (grabs her breast) Ah! Not the boob!  
  
Semdai - Dude your boobs are like small.  
  
Jarlaxle - (grins from ear to ear)  
  
Wulfgar - What are you grinning at?  
  
Jarlaxle - The most intense bitch fight I've ever seen.  
  
Bruenor - (whispers to Wulfgar) And beating off to it no doubt.  
  
Jarlaxle - I heard that. (not taking his eyes off the fight)  
  
Semdai - (launches Catti-brie across the room with a double kick)  
  
Catti-brie - (sails across the room) AHHH!  
  
Wulfgar - (runs to catch her) I got her!  
  
Jarlaxle - It's going...  
  
Dantrag - Going...  
  
(Wulfgar dives and catches Catti-brie)  
  
Berg'inyon - And Wulfgar saves the game! The Wussies win the superbowl!  
  
Wulfgar - (glares at Berg'inyon)  
  
Catti-brie - (pulls Taulmaril out of nowhere and shoots an arrow at Berg'inyon)  
  
Berg'inyon - Iblith! (tries to dive out of the way but the arrow hits him in the belly and launches him backwards, pinning him to the wall)  
  
Semdai - NO! (tackles Catti-brie and after a few seconds throws the smaller woman out the window)  
  
Catti-brie - AAAHHHhhh... (poof)  
  
Semdai - (runs to Berg'inyon's side) Are you hurt, Banana?  
  
Berg'inyon - (tries to pull the arrow out of his stomach to no avail) I think so.  
  
Semdai - Kellindil, Zak, you two hold him. (they do so) Jarlaxle, Dantrag, you line up behind me and get ready to pull. (they do so) Entreri, Drizzt, you guys get a towel and get ready to stem the blood. (they do so) Ready?  
  
Wulfgar - What are the rest of us supposed to do?  
  
Jarlaxle - Stay out of the way.  
  
Semdai - Ready and pull!  
  
(They pull. The arrow tears free after several seconds of strained groans, to the great pain of Berg'inyon. Zak and Kellindil slowly ease Berg'inyon down while Entreri and Drizzt hold a towel over the wound.)  
  
Dantrag - Why didn't I get this much attention when I got hurt?  
  
Semdai - You just got pricked in the belly, Banana got impaled.  
  
Drizzt - He got pricked by the prick.  
  
Entreri - (fumes) I'll get you for that, you drow bastard! (attempts to strangle Drizzt with the bloody towel)  
  
Semdai - (taking no note of how Drizzt and Entreri are rolling around the room) How many times in this ramble is Drizzt gonna get called a 'drow bastard?'  
  
Jarlaxle - Would you rather they called him 'drow bitch?'  
  
Semdai - No! Only I can call him bitch! He is MY bitch.  
  
Jarlaxle - Am I your bitch too?  
  
Semdai - Of course! (hugs Jarlaxle around the waist)  
  
Jarlaxle - (eyes bulging) Organs- Exploding-  
  
Semdai - Oops! (lets go) sorry.  
  
Jarlaxle - (catching his breath) Only a little harm done.  
  
Semdai - (shoots two more light balls) I missed Zak and Kellindil.  
  
Kellindil - (spins around squealing with glee) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Zaknafein - Well he seems happy.  
  
Semdai - (teeny bopper squeal) Zaky is so cute as a teen! (tackles/hugs Zaknafein)  
  
Zaknafein - (hugs back) Hug war! (attempts to squish Semdai with his hug)  
  
Semdai - (squishes back) You're on!  
  
Jarlaxle - (watches) This is interesting. (Zak and Semdai stagger around the room knocking into things)  
  
Berg'inyon - (holding his stomach) It's amazing how quickly Semdai's attention can change.  
  
Entreri - (recovering from his fight with Drizzt) S-T-M-O-L-S  
  
Dantrag - (confused) Stmols?  
  
Drizzt - (trying to disengage himself from the bloody towel) Naw, I think it stands for something.  
  
Entreri - Short Term Memory Loss Syndrome.  
  
Dantrag - (no longer confused) Ahhhhhh.  
  
Entreri - Stupid drow.  
  
Semdai - (slowly winning her hug war with Zaknafein) I'm winning! I'm winning!  
  
Zaknafein - (strained) NO... cannot... lose... to... Semdai... (falls limp in Semdai's grasp)  
  
Semdai - (drops Zaknafein) Haha! I win! I win! (pauses) Zak?  
  
Zaknafein - ...  
  
Semdai - (kicks him lightly) Zak, this isn't funny.  
  
Zaknafein - ...  
  
Semdai - (calmly shocked) Oh my gods I think I killed him.  
  
Drizzt - Semdai! How could you!  
  
Semdai - Wait! I know how to save him! (pulls two balloons out of the couch)  
  
Drizzt - (frantic) How will you save Zak with two balloons?  
  
Semdai - Observe. (rubs the balloons in her hair and holds them next to Zaknafein's ears, calmly says) Clear. (shocks Zaknafein with the staticky balloons)  
  
Zaknafein - Ahh! (jumps up rubbing his ears) My ears!  
  
Semdai - See, he's fine. (pause) I win.  
  
Zaknafein - (still rubbing his ears) Fine you win.  
  
Semdai - Yay! (rubs hands together) So when are we gonna go trick-or- treating?  
  
Jarlaxle - Trick-or-treating?  
  
Semdai - Yeah, you know, dress up in scary costumes, go door to door, get candy.  
  
Jarlaxle - Candy! Let's go! (runs for the door)  
  
Semdai - Jarlaxle Wait!  
  
Jarlaxle - (screeches to a halt) What?  
  
Semdai - We need costumes.  
  
Jarlaxle - Costumes?  
  
Semdai - And it's time to end this chapter.  
  
Dantrag - (disappointed) Ah, how come we hafta end now?  
  
Semdai - Because this chapter is too darn long already. Not to mention I gotta save some stuff for the next chapter.  
  
Berg'inyon - What are we doing in the next chapter?  
  
Semdai - The same thing Jarlaxle and I have had been planning on doing every night.  
  
Jarlaxle - (eagerly) Have some fun?  
  
Semdai - No, after we do that.  
  
Jarlaxle - Oh yeah, plan on going to Venice.  
  
Semdai - No, after that too.  
  
Jarlaxle - Put clothes on?  
  
Semdai - After that.  
  
Jarlaxle - Try to take over the world?  
  
Semdai - (evilly) Yes, we will plan to take over the world. (Turns to Kellindil) And see if we can't get Kelly to come trick-or-treating.  
  
Kellindil - (grumbles) My name is not Kelly.  
  
Berg'inyon - You get used to her nicknames after a while.  
  
Semdai - (dramatically) Come boys! (sweeping shot) Let us go to Taco Bell!  
  
Kellindil - Why Taco Bell?  
  
Zaknafein - Because Semdai is probably hungry, and I am too so let's go!  
  
Semdai - Onward! (starts down the stairs)  
  
All - (singing) We're following the leader, the leader, the leader, we're following the leader wherever she will go...  
  
AN : Oh that was so much fun. Hope you have enjoyed it. Please review and feel free to flame. 


	2. Mexifries, Mixups, and Mass Mayhem

The Halloweenies  
  
By Semdai Bloodquill  
  
Chapter Two : Mexi-fries, Mix-ups, and Mass Mayhem  
  
(At the Taco Bell across the street from Semdai's apartment, Semdai and her cohorts have gathered and are feasting on supreme chaluppas. Wulfgar and Bruenor have disappeared while searching for the remains of Catti-brie. Having no stomachs for such greasy food, Ivan, and Pikel went off to find Wulfgar and Bruenor. And Regis ran off with several of Semdai's valuables and went off to rejoin with his halfling friends and to barter off Semdai's valuables. Leaving the wannabe funny author, the drow, and Entreri at Taco Bell. Kellindil simply ran away and hid under Semdai's bed. And FYI Semdai gave back Jarlaxle's hat and eye-patch)  
  
Semdai - (Between bites of her half-eaten taco) So what shall we dress up as for Halloween?  
  
Jarlaxle - (finishing his third taco) What was that movie we all went to?  
  
Entreri - (sarcastically) The one where you two were making out the whole time. (unwraps a second chaluppa)  
  
Jarlaxle - That was Lord of the Rings, I mean the one where Semdai and I actually watched the movie.  
  
Semdai - Pirates of the Caribbean?  
  
Jarlaxle - Yeah that's the one.  
  
Entreri - (imitating Captain Barbossa) I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request.  
  
Berg'inyon - Huh?  
  
Entreri - (still imitating Barbossa) Means no.  
  
Semdai - (shocked) He's quoting.  
  
Entreri - So?  
  
Semdai - Usually I'm the one that does that.  
  
Jarlaxle - (pulling them back on topic) Why don't we all dress up as pirates?  
  
Semdai - (thinks on it) Sounds cool.  
  
Entreri - (jumps up) I get to be Barbossa!  
  
(chirping crickets)  
  
Semdai - Sit down, Artemis.  
  
Entreri - (growls) How many times do I have to tell you not to call me Artemis?  
  
Semdai - (imitates Will Turner) At least once more, Artemis, as always. (reverts back to normal voice) Now sit down, you're attracting attention.  
  
Entreri - (sees that she is right and reluctantly sits down and resumes eating) I still wanna be Barbossa.  
  
Semdai - (speaks as though addressing a five-year-old) You can be Barbossa.  
  
Entreri - (grins evilly) Good. (reaches for another taco)  
  
Dantrag - (balancing a mexi-fry on his nose) Who can I be?  
  
Semdai - (looks at Jarlaxle) What do you think?  
  
Jarlaxle - (throws a mexi-fry in the air and catches it in his mouth) I think Dantrag and Banana would make excellent replicas of Pintel and Raigetti.  
  
Semdai - (obviously agrees) Perfect, my once-bald-but-now-has-nice-silky- white-haired friend! (snaps her fingers) Dantrag and Banana shall be Pintel and Raigetti.  
  
Berg'inyon - Who's Pintel and Raigetti?  
  
Semdai - You were at the movies with us, right?  
  
Berg'inyon - Yeah I was watching you ogling over Orlando Bloom.  
  
Jarlaxle - (slaps his forehead) Oh, not this Orlando Bloom again.  
  
Semdai - What have you got against Orlando Bloom?  
  
Jarlaxle - (raises his fists in the air as he speaks) He steals all the really hot chicks who are just looking for a pretty boy to fantasize about! (drops his head on the table narrowly missing a package of mexi-fries) ow...  
  
Semdai - (worried voice) Be careful, Jarlaxle!  
  
Zaknafein - (concerned) Yeah, you could seriously damage a nerve in your brain doing that.  
  
Semdai - No, I mean he almost squished the mexi-fries. (scoops up the mexi- fries and starts gobbling them down)  
  
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head) I have been replaced by mexi-fires. (drops his head back onto the table in defeat) ow... again...  
  
Drizzt - (shakes his head) Shame on you, Jarlaxle, you lost Semdai's favor to a package of French fries.  
  
Semdai - (throws a mexi-fry at Drizzt) MEXI-FRY! It is a MEXI-FRY!  
  
Drizzt - (the mexi-fry bounces harmlessly off his forehead) Whatever.  
  
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head again) Do you suppose I can win her back, Artemis?  
  
Entreri - (gets very mad) You know what. I- give- up! Nobody is gonna just call me 'Entreri' like I asked!  
  
Jarlaxle - (defeated) Never mind... (drops his head again) ow... for the third time...  
  
Dantrag - Will you stop doing that!  
  
Jarlaxle - (not lifting his head) Why do you care?  
  
Dantrag - (simply) I don't, you're banging is just interfering with my trying to balance this mexi-fry on my nose.  
  
Jarlaxle - (sighs and bangs his head again just to annoy Dantrag) ow... I lost count...  
  
Berg'inyon - Four.  
  
Jarlaxle - (slowly) Thank you...  
  
Zaknafein - (shakes his head sadly) How far you have sunk my friend who was once very cunning but now has lost his charm to a mexi-fry.  
  
Jarlaxle - (lifts his head and says sarcastically) You're very comforting.  
  
Zaknafein - (missing the sarcasm) One tries.  
  
Dantrag - YOU try.  
  
Drizzt - I try too.  
  
Dantrag - (disgusted) You're both soft.  
  
Drizzt - (sarcastically) And you're hard?  
  
Berg'inyon - That sounds wrong, Drizzt.  
  
Drizzt - (realizes what he just said) Oh, this whole conversation has gone wrong.  
  
Semdai - (locks her fingers behind her head) One tries.  
  
Drizzt - (glares at Semdai) This is all your doing.  
  
Semdai - Of course it is, I'm the author.  
  
Drizzt - (slaps his forehead) Did you intend for Jarlaxle to become depressed?  
  
Semdai - No, he does things against my authorical will all the time.  
  
Jarlaxle - Like when I slapped your ass in the last chapter?  
  
Semdai - Yes, like when you slapped my ass in the last chapter.  
  
Dantrag - (drops his mexi-fry) You mean Jarlaxle gets to decide what he does and the rest of us have to follow whatever you write about us? (slightly outraged but trying to hide it behind a sweet voice)  
  
Semdai - (simply as if missing the implications of his tone) Most of the time.  
  
Dantrag - (outraged) That is so unfair!  
  
Semdai - You are a drow male, you should be used to unfairness by now.  
  
Dantrag - Are you making fun of my sex?  
  
Semdai - No, but I am implicating that you are bound in the correct direction for a one way ticket to the residence of The Mob.  
  
Berg'inyon - (coughs under his breath) Thesaurus reader.  
  
Semdai - (flicks a mexi-fry at Berg'inyon) I heard that.  
  
Berg'inyon - (mexi-fry bounces off his head) How?  
  
Semdai - (annoyed) I kinda made you say it.  
  
Berg'inyon - Oh yeah, sorry.  
  
Semdai - No you're not.  
  
Berg'inyon - You're right, sorry.  
  
Semdai - Stop apologizing!  
  
Berg'inyon - (quickly) Sorry.  
  
Semdai - (glares at Berg'inyon)  
  
Berg'inyon - (laughs nervously) I'll be shutting up now.  
  
Dantrag - (laughs at Berg'inyon) You're taking orders from an Iblith! [drow word for excrement or non-drow] (realizes what he just said) I mean-  
  
Semdai - (growing very angry) What did you just call me, Dantrag Baenre?  
  
Dantrag - (trying to find a way out) N-Nothing!  
  
Entreri - Dead drow walking!  
  
Zaknafein - (notes that Dantrag is in full flight) Or rather scrambling.  
  
Semdai - (pelts Dantrag with mexi-fries as he tries to flee) THE ONE TIME I LET YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN WORDS AND YOU CALL ME AN IBLITH!!!  
  
Dantrag - (trying to shield himself with his arms) I'm sorry!  
  
Semdai - YOU WILL PAY, ARROGANT DROW MALE!! I WILL LIBERATE YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS AND TACK THEM TO THE WALLS!!!  
  
Dantrag - No! Not my organs!  
  
Drizzt - (snickers)  
  
Berg'inyon - Is this entertaining for you, Jarlaxle?  
  
Jarlaxle - (sadly watches Semdai beat Dantrag with mexi-fries for a few seconds) no... (puts his head down)  
  
Berg'inyon - Uh oh.  
  
Zaknafein - This is bad.  
  
Drizzt - What's bad?  
  
Zaknafein/Berg'inyon - Jarlaxle is depressed.  
  
Entreri - (after a long pause) So?  
  
Zaknafein - (throws a wadded up wrapper at Entreri) Heartless assassin.  
  
Entreri - (catches the wrapper and throws it back) Stupid drow.  
  
Zaknafein - (catches the wrapper and throws it back) Loaded crossbow.  
  
Entreri - (catches the wrapper again and throws it back again) Stubborn Jackass.  
  
Zaknafein - (catches the wrapper again and throws it back) Smelly assassin.  
  
Entreri - (catches the wrapper blah blah blah) Mindless zombie.  
  
Zaknafein - (you can guess) Atomic mouth.  
  
Entreri - (as above) Barf-o-roni.  
  
Zaknafein - (need I continue) Camel breath.  
  
Entreri - (this is starting to sound like a movie I saw) Dome-head.  
  
Zaknafein - (becomes offended for the first time) Funkoid.  
  
Entreri - (I'm not gonna bother, you know they're still throwing that wrapper at each other) What are we on?  
  
Zaknafein - (thinks) Uh... G.  
  
Entreri - Gack face.  
  
Zaknafein - (still throwing the wrapper) Hose brain.  
  
Entreri - Ow, my shoulder hurts. (pauses to stretch his arm)  
  
Zaknafein - Will you just throw the wrapper!  
  
Entreri - Sorry. (resumes throwing) Bastard son of a caribou.  
  
Zaknafein - (impressed) Nice parry, old man.  
  
Entreri - (fumbles the throw) You're older than me!  
  
Zaknafein - (catches the throw even though it falls short of its mark) Your point, Skirt chaser.  
  
Berg'inyon/Drizzt - (in awe) OOoo...  
  
Berg'inyon - (slowly) Nice one.  
  
Semdai - (comes trotting over) Whatcha doing over here?  
  
Drizzt - Watching Zak and Entreri go at it.  
  
Berg'inyon - That sounded wrong.  
  
Drizzt - I think that's the point of this ramble.  
  
Semdai - It is actually. So what'd I miss?  
  
Berg'inyon - Zak called Entreri a 'Skirt Chaser' and we're waiting for Entreri's response.  
  
Drizzt - Where's Dantrag?  
  
Semdai - (evilly) He's going for a short vacation.  
  
Drizzt - I'm not gonna ask.  
  
Entreri - (has to think for a moment before throwing the wrapper again) Semdai's Boy Toy.  
  
Jarlaxle/Drizzt/Berg'inyon - (gasp)  
  
Semdai - (whistles) That's hitting below the belt if I ever heard so.  
  
Zaknafein - (is very insulted but still catches the wrapper) Lllllllaaaambas bread. (elongating his L)  
  
FYI - I watched the cast commentary of The Two Towers Extended Version and Sean Astin talked about having to elongate his L's when they said Lambas bread and it annoys the crap out of my family when I do it.  
  
Entreri - (his eye twitches) Eunuch.  
  
Zaknafein - (calmly) Llllllllllllllllllaaaaaammmmmbas bread!  
  
Entreri - (twitches harder) Scrawny elf.  
  
Zaknafein - (calmly but with huge grin) Lllllllllllllaaaaaaaaammmbaaaaaasssss bread.  
  
Entreri - (twitching uncontrollably and giving in to the rage) Paladin!  
  
Zaknafein - (longest of them all) LLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAMMMMMMBAAAASSS bread.  
  
Entreri - (gets hit with the wrapper and falls to the ground writhing) No more lambas bread!  
  
Zaknafein - (for good measure) Lllllambas bread.  
  
Entreri - Ahhh! (runs screaming from the restaurant and into the street)  
  
Semdai - Artemis wait! Look both ways before you cross the street!  
  
Entreri - (stops in the middle of the lane) DON'T CALL ME ARTEMIS!!! (suddenly gets hit by a semi-truck) Ahhh! (goes flying)  
  
Semdai - (shocked) Uh oh.  
  
Drizzt - You suppose we should go help him?  
  
Semdai - We have to!  
  
Berg'inyon - Why?  
  
Semdai - (frantically) Because I don't have enough money to bribe RAS into not suing me for killing his character. (runs out to the road, stops and looks both ways at the wreckage around her, then runs to the prone form of Entreri who is sprawled in the middle of the road.) Uh... Entreri?  
  
Entreri's mangled form - (no response)...  
  
Semdai - (gently nudges him with her toe) Entreri, this isn't funny. (very worried by now)  
  
(Berg'inyon, Zaknafein, and Drizzt, dragging Jarlaxle behind them come out and form a circle around Entreri's mangled form)  
  
Drizzt - Do you think he's dead?  
  
Zaknafein - I think he's dead.  
  
Berg'inyon - He looks dead.  
  
Jarlaxle - He's all pale, I think he IS dead.  
  
Drizzt - He was always pale, that doesn't mean he's dead.  
  
Semdai - Oh look! I think he moved, maybe he's not dead!  
  
(They all take a closer look and see that Entreri is indeed still breathing and not dead)  
  
Zaknafein - He's not dead.  
  
Drizzt - You're right, he's NOT dead.  
  
Berg'inyon - I though he was dead.  
  
Jarlaxle - He still looks dead.  
  
Drizzt - He always looked dead.  
  
Semdai - What do we do with him now that we know he's not dead?  
  
Berg'inyon - How much longer will he stay not dead?  
  
Drizzt - You never know with the dead.  
  
Zaknafein - But he's not dead.  
  
Jarlaxle - He still looks dead.  
  
Drizzt - I agree with Jarlaxle, he looks dead.  
  
Some Random Fat Police Officer[SRFPO] - (comes over) Excuse me, people, but do you know this man who looks dead?  
  
Semdai - Yes sir, we know this man who looks dead.  
  
SRFPO - Is he dead?  
  
Jarlaxle - He looks dead.  
  
Berg'inyon - We don't think he's dead.  
  
Semdai - Even though he looks dead.  
  
SRFPO - Why are you all ending your sentences with 'dead?'  
  
Berg'inyon - (points at Semdai) It's her fault, Sir, Semdai is guilty of making Entreri here look dead.  
  
Semdai - (glares at Berg'inyon) The penalty for turning on the author is to become dead.  
  
Berg'inyon - (dives under a nearby car) I don't wanna be dead!  
  
Semdai - There's nothing to worry about here, Sir, we'll take care of Entreri, (pauses to check Entreri's pulse) who is not dead.  
  
SRFPO - Well carry on then. (tips his hat and walks to the donut shop next to the Taco Bell)  
  
Drizzt - Berg'inyon, come out from under that car and help us carry our seemingly dead comrade who is in fact not dead.  
  
Zaknafein - Can we stop saying dead?  
  
Semdai - Why would you want to stop saying dead?  
  
Zaknafein - It's hard to make every sentence end with dead.  
  
Semdai - Ok you can stop saying dead.  
  
Berg'inyon - That's better.  
  
Semdai - (kicks Berg'inyon in the shin)  
  
Berg'inyon - (hops on his good leg) What was that for?  
  
Semdai - You broke the dead chain.  
  
Berg'inyon - (decides not to argue)  
  
Semdai - Now help me carry seemingly dead Artemis back to my place.  
  
Entreri's mangled form - (mumbles something incoherent)  
  
Drizzt - What did he say?  
  
Semdai - He said, "Don't call me Artemis."  
  
Drizzt - How do you know?  
  
Semdai - (gives him a look)  
  
Drizzt - Oh yeah, that author thing.  
  
(They all ban together to carry Entreri up the fifty flights of stairs to Semdai's apartment)  
  
Semdai - (takes Entreri's full weight as they reach the top) Well that was refreshing.  
  
Drizzt - (falls down in exhaustion) Refreshing?  
  
Berg'inyon/Zaknafein - (follow suit and collapse) Asanque! [drow word that means 'likewise']  
  
Jarlaxle - (equally tire but trying to win back Semdai's heart) You all are just out of shape.  
  
Semdai - (is touched by Jarlaxle's performance) Oh my big, strong, Jarlaxle! (remembers the task at hand and adds in a sexy voice) I'll see you after this chapter.  
  
Jarlaxle - Booyah! (jumps for joy) Got my mojo back!  
  
Drizzt - Mojo?  
  
Jarlaxle - Yes, mojo.  
  
Semdai - (dumps the unconscious Entreri on the couch) Now what shall we do with our mangled friend here?  
  
Drizzt - (slowly) Tough question.  
  
Berg'inyon - (mocks Drizzt) Very tough. Very hard. (pause) Sounds very wrong.  
  
Drizzt - (calmly) Berg'inyon, shut up.  
  
Berg'inyon - (equally calm) Make me.  
  
Semdai - (doesn't bother to turn her head) Both of you be quiet, you're interrupting my train of thought.  
  
Zaknafein - (communicates with the drow hand code) Fragile thing, Semdai's train of thought.  
  
Drizzt - (signals back) Noted.  
  
Berg'inyon - (also signals) Gotcha.  
  
Semdai - (taking no notice of the males) I suppose I could shock him like I did with Zak in the last chapter...  
  
Zaknafein - (remembers the incident and involuntarily rubs his ears) Right...  
  
Semdai - (thinking as she speaks) I'll need a stronger charge though... (picks up the TV remote and tosses it to Jarlaxle) When I give you the signal start flipping the TV on and off.  
  
Jarlaxle - (catches the remote) Why?  
  
Semdai - (walks over to the TV) You'll see. (takes her hair out of its ponytail and rubs her head against the screen) Now.  
  
Jarlaxle - (repeatedly presses the on/off button on the remote) Won't this break the TV?  
  
Semdai - No I do it all the time. (pauses for a moment to gather static energy) Stop.  
  
Jarlaxle - (Does so) Now what?  
  
Semdai - (her brown hair now stands on end in several places) Observe. (she rubs her fingers over her scalp and then brings her hands close to Entreri's ears)  
  
Zaknafein - (shifts his balance nervously)  
  
Semdai - (calmly) Clear. (jams her index fingers into Entreri's ears and releases the static electricity)  
  
FYI - Because I have thin, easily magnatized hair, I can actually do this.  
  
Entreri - (leaps up holding his ears) Ack! Not the ears! (doubles over and falls off the couch in pain) Ow!  
  
Semdai - (trying to be optimistic) At least now he's awake.  
  
Zaknafein - I think you've traumatized him for life.  
  
Semdai - Zak, will you go to my room and drag Kellindil out from under my bed please? I believe his elvish abilities could help with Entreri.  
  
Zaknafein - Sure.  
  
(Zaknafein enters the next room and peeks under the bed. Sure enough, Kellindil is curled up between the bed and the floor shaking badly)  
  
Zaknafein - Time to come out, Kellindil. (reaches for Kellindil)  
  
Kellindil - (hisses and bite Zak's hand)  
  
Zaknafein - (jumps back holding his hand) Ouch! Oh you asked for it now. (produces a giant globe of darkness around the bed and lines Kellindil with faerie fire)  
  
Kellindil - Eek! (dashes out from under the bed to find a better hiding spot)  
  
Zaknafein - (tackles Kellindil and tries to hold him but gets bit several more times on the arm) You'll pay for that, Faerie! [drow name for surface elf]  
  
Kellindil - (squirms desperately and manages to get away, hissing and biting the whole time)  
  
Zaknafein - (is left on the floor holding his bleeding hand and arm) Damn Faerie. (stalks back into the living room)  
  
Drizzt - What happened to you?  
  
Zaknafein - I think Kellindil is rabid or something.  
  
Semdai - (examines Zak's wounds) Bite marks?  
  
Jarlaxle - (also examines the wounds) Are you sure Kellindil is rabid?  
  
Zaknafein - (sternly) He was crazed, he bit me.  
  
Semdai - (shivers) This sounds like a movie I saw.  
  
Jarlaxle - What movie?  
  
Semdai - Resident Evil.  
  
Jarlaxle - I don't think I saw that one.  
  
Semdai - Well there were these undercover, government scientists who were doing illegal experiments in a secret underground lab and they created this nasty, evil virus that turns the living into crazy, undead monsters and turns the dead into stupid, but invincible, monsters.  
  
Jarlaxle - Don't tell me anymore I wanna go see the movie.  
  
Semdai - But what if Kellindil has somehow contracted this deadly virus?  
  
Drizzt - What happened next?  
  
Semdai - These military guys came in and were investigating the labs where the T-Virus was made and one of them got bit and got the virus and became an evil, mindless zombie.  
  
Zaknafein - (very afraid) I don't wanna be zombie again! (hides his face in his hands)  
  
Semdai - (hugs Zaknafein) Don't worry Zaky, I won't let you become a zombie again, I didn't go through all that trouble restoring your body to lose you to some stupid virus now! I won't allow you to become like the bunny!  
  
Zaknafein - (fearfully) What about the bunny?  
  
Semdai - The scientists injected this cute, little, white bunny with the virus and it became this monstrous bear-like creature that got bigger and uglier as the movie went on and it got to eat people. (shivers) And its organs were on the outside.  
  
Zaknafein - (gulps and falls to his knees and hugs Semdai's legs nearly toppling her over) Don't let them take me, Semdai!  
  
Jarlaxle - (screws up his face trying to hide his jealousy)  
  
Semdai - (reaches down and pulls Zak off her legs) Don't worry, Zak, we'll find the cure. (pats him on the head) Come loyal dog-like followers, we must find Dantrag and begin our search for Kellindil.  
  
Drizzt - What about Entreri?  
  
Semdai - I don't know, I'll ask. (walks over to a twitching Entreri) Wanna come with us?  
  
Entreri - Where're you going?  
  
Semdai - To relocate Dantrag then hunt down Kellindil and find out what's wrong with him.  
  
Entreri - (trying to decide) Go hunting elves and running the risk of further injury or stay behind and be bored out of my mind while I heal from getting hit by a truck. (thinks) I think I'll go with you guys.  
  
Semdai - Good. (snaps her fingers and heals Entreri's wounds) We could use your fighting prowess should Kellindil decide to struggle.  
  
Entreri - When are we going?  
  
Semdai - (offers Entreri a hand up) As soon as you get off the floor and Zak stops bleeding all over the place.  
  
Entreri - (takes the offered hand and stands shakily) Where do we start?  
  
Semdai - Let's look in the bedroom and see what we can find.  
  
(The six of them move toward Semdai's room but Berg'inyon stops them at the door)  
  
Berg'inyon - I think Zak should go in first.  
  
Zaknafein - Why me?  
  
Berg'inyon - Because you're already infected with whatever Kellindil has and he can't hurt you anymore.  
  
Jarlaxle - (thinks on the idea) Good point, (nudges Zak) Go on Zak, we're all right behind you.  
  
Berg'inyon - (adds encouragingly) Yeah, we're just a pain-filled cry away.  
  
Zaknafein - (grumbles but proceeds forward anyway) Kellindil?  
  
(Chirping crickets)  
  
Semdai - (puzzled) I'd like to know where those crickets are coming from.  
  
Jarlaxle - Hey crickets are good luck, right?  
  
Semdai - Right you are, devilishly charming drow with the outrageously plumed hat.  
  
Drizzt - I don't think Kellindil is in here.  
  
Zaknafein - (hears a sound like water dropping) Huh?  
  
Drizzt - (notices Zak's expression) What is it, Zak?  
  
Zaknafein - (looks up just in case) Run away!  
  
(Everyone looks up in time to see Kellindil, who is starting to look like Gollum, staring at them hungrily from the ceiling, drool dripping from his maw.)  
  
Semdai - (fearful) Kellindil?  
  
Kellindil - (hisses and climbs across the ceiling like a spider)  
  
Semdai - Oh no! He DOES have the T-Virus!  
  
Zaknafein - Like I said, run away! (turns tail and runs from the room, the others quickly follow suit)  
  
Kellindil - (snarls and jumps at the last of the group, which happens to be Semdai)  
  
Semdai - (gets tackled by the crazed elf) Eek!  
  
Jarlaxle - (turns and sees Semdai trying to fight off the crazed Kellindil) Oh no, Semdai is being attacked by the virus infected Kellindil. I should save her, but what if Kellindil bites me? Oh damn these heroic instincts! (draws two swords and charges at Kellindil)  
  
Kellindil - (looks up to see the charging dark elf and changes his mind about attacking) EEE! (jumps off Semdai and leaps out the open window)  
  
Jarlaxle - Oh damn! Why is there always an escape route for the antagonists but not for the protagonists? (sheaths his swords and walks over to Semdai, kneeling next to her) Semdai?  
  
Semdai - (doesn't respond)...  
  
Jarlaxle - (shakes her shoulder lightly, growing concerned) Semdai?  
  
(The other four slowly re-enter the room and gasp at the sight of their fallen ringleader)  
  
Jarlaxle - (scoops Semdai up and holds her in his arms) C'mon Semdai, wake up! (growing frantic)  
  
Drizzt - (becomes worried) This does not look good.  
  
Zaknafein - (steps over to Jarlaxle and joins him in his effort to wake Semdai)  
  
Berg'inyon - (worried) Is she dead?  
  
Drizzt - (more worried) Is she infected?  
  
Zaknafein - (shakes his head) I think we lost her, Jarlaxle.  
  
Jarlaxle - (frantic) No! We can't lose her or the story will end!  
  
Zaknafein - (gently) All things end Jarlaxle.  
  
Jarlaxle - (wails) Why wasn't I fast enough! Why couldn't I save her!  
  
Zaknafein - (bows his head) We'll miss you, Semdai, you might not have been the best thing that happened to us, but you defiantly weren't on the bad list.  
  
Jarlaxle - (still wailing) We never got to go to Venice like we planned!  
  
Zaknafein - (very sadly) I think all of us will forever remember the time we spent with you, Semdai Bloodquill, and all of us will hold you in some special place in our hearts and minds.  
  
Entreri - (in his mind) Yeah, in the 'Do not enter' section.  
  
Zaknafein - (sniffles) Does anyone else want to say something?  
  
Drizzt - (shakes his head) I never thought it would end like this.  
  
Berg'inyon - (sadly) We should have had more adventures together before the end.  
  
Entreri - (sighs) Such a waste of life.  
  
(Revered silence)  
  
Entreri - (starts humming the Lothlorien theme from Lord of the Rings purly on impulse...oh fine I admit it, I made him do it, now are you happy)  
  
Zaknafein/Berg'inyon/Jarlaxle/Drizzt - (all join in and start singing the lament for Gandalf)  
  
(Song ends after a while and revered silence is restored with lots of bowed heads)  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Catti-brie - (leaning over the scrying mirror) Can it be?  
  
Bruenor - (who can't see because he is too short) Can what be, girl?  
  
Catti-brie - (hopefully) If this device is to be believed, then Semdai is dead.  
  
Wulfgar - (shocked) Dead? How is that possible?  
  
Catti-brie - (pretending not to know) Apparently, Kellindil has contracted some sort of disease or mutation or something and has attacked Semdai.  
  
Wulfgar - Shouldn't we help her?  
  
Catti-brie - (appalled) Of course not, she tried to kill me. And has in her other stories.  
  
Wulfgar - I think someone flamed her for that story and none of her friends liked it anyway.  
  
Catti-brie - Still, she deserves what she gets, and with her out of the way we can rescue Drizzt.  
  
Bruenor - (slaps his axe across his chest) Well lets get going and rescue the elf.  
  
Wulfgar - (looks over to Dantrag) What about him?  
  
Catti-brie - (also glances at their hostage, who is gagged and tied to a chair) One of us should stay and watch him.  
  
Wulfgar - (volunteers) I'll stay.  
  
Catti-brie - Then Bruenor and I will go collect Drizzt.  
  
(They leave. Wulfgar makes himself comfortable in front of Dantrag)  
  
Wulfgar - So... yeah... How's your life?  
  
Dantrag - (gives him 'the finger')  
  
Wulfgar - (calmly punches Dantrag in the face) Now that wasn't polite at all.  
  
Dantrag - (in his mind) Bastard son of a caribou...  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Semdai - (sniffles and rubs her teary eyes) That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said about me.  
  
Zaknafein - (sadly) Glad you're happy with it. (suddenly realizes who spoke) Whoa! Semdai's NOT dead!  
  
Semdai - (simply) Well yeah. If you scroll up a ways you'll notice that nowhere does it say 'Semdai dies.'  
  
Jarlaxle - (relieved) Don't ever scare me like that again! (buries Semdai in a crushing hug)  
  
Semdai - (under Jarlaxle's arms) Zaknafein, that was the best eulogy I've heard in a long time.  
  
Zaknafein - You really thought so?  
  
Semdai - (nods) It was touching. And when you all started singing (sniffles) you guys are the best.  
  
Drizzt - (falls over backward from relief)  
  
Entreri - (calmly) Oh my Gods, you killed Drizzt.  
  
Berg'inyon - (on impulse) You bastard!  
  
Semdai - (attempt to reach in her pocket but can't because Jarlaxle is still hugging her) Jarlaxle dear, you can stop hugging me now.  
  
Jarlaxle - (stops hugging abruptly) Sorry.  
  
Semdai - (reaches into her pocket and pulls out a mexi-fry and throws it at Berg'inyon) I was not born out of wedlock!  
  
Berg'inyon - (dives out of the room and slides under the couch) Flying mexi- fry! Take cover!  
  
Semdai - I think things are going back to normal.  
  
Zaknafein - Wait a second! Semdai, you're not infected are you?  
  
Semdai - (looks herself over) I don't think so. Jarlaxle, how's my neck?  
  
Jarlaxle - (examines Semdai's throat) Soft and silky like always.  
  
Semdai - I mean did Kellindil bite my neck.  
  
Jarlaxle - (embarrassed) Oh. (looks again) There's two blemishes, one on each side, that look like bite marks.  
  
Entreri - (sneers) Are either of them yours from the last chapter?  
  
Semdai - I know the one on the left is Jarlaxle's.  
  
Jarlaxle - (examines the left one) Yeah that one's from me.  
  
Berg'inyon - (grossed out) Eew! That's sick!  
  
Zaknafein - (ignores Berg'inyon) How about the other one?  
  
Jarlaxle - (looks at the right one) Now this one did NOT come from me.  
  
Zaknafein - (also looking) You're right, it's too recent and it's still oozing blood. (simply) Kellindil did it.  
  
Jarlaxle - (angered) Damn that Kellindil for marking Semdai's neck with his bite. (wrings his hands)  
  
Zaknafein - Calm down Jarlaxle, you'll get your revenge. (pats him on the shoulder)  
  
Jarlaxle - (his eyes gleam) I'll get him. (Gollum-like) He'll pay for harming my precious...  
  
Zaknafein - (slowly with darting eyes) O. K. Jarlaxle's gone psycho.  
  
Entreri - Correction, Jarlaxle's gone Gollum.  
  
Jarlaxle - (stands and pulls Semdai up, sadly) This means you're infected too, Precious.  
  
Semdai - (sniffles) I know.  
  
Entreri - (aside to Berg'inyon) Is it just me or does Semdai appear to have the powers of the One Ring?  
  
Jarlaxle - (tragically) And now we can't fool around until you're cured.  
  
Berg'inyon - (aside to Entreri) She's really got him whipped.  
  
Semdai - (dramatically) This is the test of our love, Jarlaxle! (clings to his arm) You have to suppress your male urges until I am cured and not seek out another woman if you truly love me!  
  
Jarlaxle - (equally dramatic) I will never have another orgasm until you are cured of this infection Semdai!  
  
Entreri - (suppresses the urge to vomit) All this love is making me nauseous...  
  
Berg'inyon - (clutching his ears) Make them stop!  
  
Zaknafein - (sighs dreamily) Ah, young love.  
  
Entreri - (disgusted) What do you mean young love?! He's thirty-five times her age!  
  
Zaknafein - True love knows no boundaries of age.  
  
Entreri - (groans like he's going to hurl) I'll be back. (runs to the bathroom and wretches)  
  
Berg'inyon - (follows Entreri) Right behind you!  
  
Drizzt - (gets up and sees Jarlaxle and Semdai dramatically holding each other) Aww... Isn't that cute?  
  
Zaknafein - (sighs) I know.  
  
Kellindil - (sticks his head in the window) You all make me sick! (disappears)  
  
Jarlaxle - (whirls around) Ha! There he goes! After him!  
  
Semdai - (has a revelation) Wait! He spoke coherently! That means he doesn't have the T-Virus!  
  
Zaknafein - (hopefully) So we're NOT infected?  
  
Semdai - Not with the T-Virus.  
  
Zaknafein/Jarlaxle - (sigh with relief)  
  
(Catti-brie and Bruenor enter the living room. They don't see anyone)  
  
Catti-brie - Drizzt?  
  
Drizzt - (sticks his head out the door and sees the pair) Shh. You'll ruin the moment.  
  
Bruenor - (confused) What moment?  
  
Drizzt - (beckons for them to join him in the doorway) Come see.  
  
Catti-brie - (thinking she's going to see a dead Semdai, eagerly complies)  
  
Bruenor - (follows quietly)  
  
Drizzt - (clasps his hands together and rests them against his cheek dreamily) Isn't that cute?  
  
Catti-brie - (sees Semdai and Jarlaxle and is outraged) NO!  
  
Jarlaxle/zaknafin/Semdai - (turn to see the interruption)  
  
Catti-brie - (points at Semdai) You are supposed to be dead!  
  
Bruenor - (scratches his head) Yeah, weird.  
  
Catti-brie - (squints at Bruenor) Let me see that vial. (holds out her hand)  
  
Bruenor - (pulls a vial out of his pocket) The one with the poison you had me slip in Kellindil's drink?  
  
Catti-brie - (snatches the vial) Yes, that vial. (examines it) Bruenor, this is not T-Virus!  
  
Bruenor - (confused) It isn't?  
  
Catti-brie - (outraged) This is extract of Rabies! (throws the vial at Bruenor and stomps toward the door)  
  
Semdai - (tackles Catti-brie, pinning her down) You mean YOU did this to me, Zaknafein, and Kellindil!?  
  
Catti-brie - (glares at Semdai) Yes, I did it! And only I have the cure!  
  
Semdai - (grins evilly) I'll bite you.  
  
Catti-brie - (threateningly) Bite me and Dantrag pays the price.  
  
Semdai - (outraged) What have you done to Dantrag!  
  
Catti-brie - (thinking she has the advantage) He is my prisoner! And until you cease this madness and release Drizzt, then he will stay my prisoner!  
  
Drizzt - (shocked) Why would you do this, Catti-brie?  
  
Catti-brie - (turns to Drizzt) I did this for you, Drizzt, so you could escape Semdai's vile clutches! (pulls a long knife out of her boot and drives it under Semdai's ribs and into her organs, afterwards dashing for the door with Bruenor close behind) I did it for you, Drizzt! (escapes)  
  
(Entreri and Berg'inyon dash out of the bathroom in time to see Catti-brie and Bruenor escape while Semdai falls to the ground, a knife hilt protruding from her ribs.)  
  
Entreri - We sure have a lot of dashing in this ramble.  
  
Drizzt - (being the closest to Semdai, falls to his knees at her side) No!  
  
Jarlaxle - (drops down on Semdai's other side) Semdai, can you hear us?  
  
Zaknafein - (growls) Not again. (rushes to Semdai's side, next to Drizzt)  
  
Entreri/Berg'inyon - (sigh and hurry over as well)  
  
Semdai - (groaning) I'm fine, you guys. (grasps the hilt of the knife) Her powers are far less than mine, I'll survive. (starts to pull the knife out but has to stop from the pain) I don't suppose one of you could pull this thing out of me?  
  
Zaknafein - (moves up) I'll do it.  
  
Jarlaxle - (protests) But I was gonna volunteer.  
  
Semdai - (notices the need for an intervention) But Jarlaxle, I need you to hold me while Zak takes the knife out. (puts on her best puppy-dog eyes) It hurts so badly you know.  
  
Jarlaxle - (loose his nerve and holds Semdai in his lap) Go Zak.  
  
Zaknafein - (slides the knife carefully out of Semdai's ribs)  
  
Semdai - (when the knife is fully out) That's much better, thank you boys.  
  
Drizzt - (kind of lost in thought) Now what?  
  
Semdai - Help me up, Jarlaxle. (he does so) Now we go after Catti-brie and save Dantrag and Kellindil.  
  
Entreri - (whines) Do we have to?  
  
Semdai - (sternly) Yes, we have to. (starts impersonating Aragorn from LOTR) We will not abandon Dantrag and Kellindil to torment and death... (the others look at her with admiration) not while we have strength left! Leave all that can be spared behind...(she slips Catti-brie's dagger into her boot and motions for everyone to collect their weapons) We travel light. (devilish grin) Let us hunt girl.  
  
(The others cheer, totally under Semdai's Aragorn Impression Spell)  
  
Semdai - To the elevator! (dashes off)  
  
Berg'inyon - (shocked) You mean there's an elevator and we still carried Entreri up the stairs!  
  
To be continued...  
  
AN : How very fun this story is to write. Though reading it is fun too. At least for me. Well, coming up next chapter Entreri becomes obsessed with a certain type of music, some new people join the ranks of Semdai, and Catti-brie is gonna get a rude awkening. Until next time, feel free to flame.  
  
PS : Eventually there will be trick-or-treating and I need places to send our (coughs) heros, so please review and tell me where you would like to see them go, suggest as many places as you want and I will try my best to get them there. ~Semdai Bloodquill 


	3. Rabies, Retaliation, and Rob Zombie

The Halloweenies By Semdai Bloodquill  
  
Chapter 3: Rabies, Retaliation, and Rob Zombie Part One  
  
(In the very small elevator on their way to the first floor. Annoying elevator music plays in the background)  
  
Semdai - (taps her foot) This music is so annoying.  
  
Dantrag - You said so in the opening paragraph.  
  
Semdai - (annoyed) Dantrag, what are you doing here?  
  
Dantrag - Being yelled at by you.  
  
Semdai - (very annoyed) You are supposed to be with Catti-brie.  
  
Dantrag - (shrugs) The dumb bitch sucked. I had to ditch her.  
  
Berg'inyon - (slyly) What did she suck?  
  
Semdai - Berg'inyon, shut up. (laughs) Still, that was great. (attention goes back to Dantrag) Now you need to go back to Catti-brie's hideout behind McDonalds and wait for us to rescue you.  
  
Dantrag - (whines) Why do I have to?  
  
Semdai - (points to the top of the document) Because this chapter is titled 'Rabies, Retaliation, and Rob Zombie' and we will have Rabies, Retaliation, and Rob Zombie in this chapter. Now how can we retaliate against Catti- brie if you are not there for us to save?  
  
Dantrag - (whines some more) But why me? How come YOU can't be the one to get saved?  
  
Semdai - Why would you guys want to save me?  
  
Drizzt - Yeah! We could do that whole Damsel-in-distress act!  
  
Semdai - Are you guys kidding? The moment I left, you'd all start rummaging for valuables to sell on the black market.  
  
Drizzt - (strongly) We would not!  
  
Entreri - (simply) Besides, Regis already cleaned out all the good stuff.  
  
Jarlaxle - (stupidly) I was wondering why Regis doesn't talk in chapter one.  
  
Semdai - (growls) Well I'll get Regis back in the next chapter, and Dantrag you need to go back to Catti-brie's place.  
  
Dantrag - (decides that it's not a good idea to argue with Semdai when she growls) Ok.  
  
Semdai - (acidly) And don't go escaping again this time. (teleports Dantrag back to Catti-brie's hideout.)  
  
Berg'inyon - (sneers) Geez, who lit the fuse on your tampon.  
  
Others - (gasp)  
  
Semdai - (glares at Berg'inyon) You're lucky that Drizzt and Entreri are blocking my path or I would throw something at you.  
  
Jarlaxle - (coughs into his hand) Author powers.  
  
Semdai - (slyly) Oh right... (uses 'author powers' to throw her last mexi- fry, which magically passes through Drizzt and Entreri's heads and hits Berg'inyon)  
  
Berg'inyon - (whipes mexi-fry off his forehead) Why are you so bull-headed and nasty sometimes?  
  
Semdai - (simply) The bull-headedness I get from my father, but am I really so nasty?  
  
Berg'inyon - You threaten to throw things at me. (pause) You DO throw things at me!  
  
Semdai - Does that make me nasty?  
  
Jarlaxle - (sexy tone) Not to me. (moves closer to Semdai and strokes her shoulder lovingly)  
  
Entreri - (revolted) Jarlaxle please! This is a tight, enclosed area and the rest of us can't get out of your path.  
  
Semdai - (sadly) And I still have the rabies.  
  
Jarlaxle - (sighs) Damn the misguided actions that put us in this predicament.  
  
Semdai - Asanque. [likewise in drow tongue for those that didn't pay attention in the last chap.]  
  
(A moment of silence in which the elevator music turns from annoying to REALLY annoying)  
  
Semdai - All right, I'm not taking this stupid elevator music anymore. Clear a path, boys. (squeezes over to the control panel and fiddles with it)  
  
Zaknafein - (squished against the wall next to the panel) What are you doing?  
  
Semdai - Changing the music. (the annoying music is suddenly replaced by blaring Rob Zombie) Ah much better.  
  
(Another moment of quiet while Rob Zombie's song 'Dragula' blares)  
  
Entreri - (feels a twinge in his mind)  
  
Semdai - (singing along) Dead I am the one, exterminate the sun, flipping through the trees, strangling the breeze! (starts head banging)  
  
Jarlaxle - (starts bobbing his head to the song)  
  
Entreri - (also starts singing) Dead I am the rat, feast upon the cat, tender is the fur, dying as you burn!  
  
Berg'inyon - Whoa. Entreri has become enthusiastic.  
  
Drizzt - Meilikki save us all. (pauses) Except Entreri.  
  
Semdai - (nudges Berg'inyon) Now who's the nasty one?  
  
Berg'inyon - (grins) Still you.  
  
Semdai - Damn right! (pauses) Wait.  
  
Entreri - (still singing) Dead I am the dog, hound of hell you cry, devil on your back, I can never die!  
  
Jarlaxle - (cocks his head) He seems to be enjoying himself.  
  
Semdai - So it would seem.  
  
Zaknafein - What floor are we on?  
  
Semdai - (looks at the panel) Twenty-five.  
  
Drizzt - (stretches) So how are we going to go about saving Kellindil and rescuing Dantrag and all that? (pops his neck) Ouch.  
  
Semdai - You aren't supposed to stretch that far Drizzt.  
  
Drizzt - (rubs his neck) Noted.  
  
Semdai - First we have to visit someone who might help us with this quest, then we go see Dr. Hoggart.  
  
Jarlaxle - Who?  
  
Semdai - My family doctor.  
  
Entreri - (mindlessly sings along with the Rob Zombie music as the song changes to 'Living Dead Girl')  
  
Drizzt - Why are we going to see your doctor?  
  
Semdai - Two reasons, first I need to pick up my prescription for a Flonase re-fill.  
  
Drizzt - What in the Nine Hells is Flonase?  
  
Semdai - (pulls a bottle with a squirter attached to it out of her pocket) This is Flonase.  
  
Jarlaxle - (intrigued) And what is the function of this Flonase?  
  
Semdai - Observe. (jams the squirter up one nostril and breathes in a spray of Flonase with a deep inhale through her nose) Ack! The old lady perfumy smell! (snorts a few times and repeats the motion with the other nostril) I hate this stuff.  
  
Jarlaxle - Then why must you use it?  
  
Semdai - (mockingly technical) 'cause my doctor says I have weak lungs and bad allergies and the Flonase will help make my bronchial tubes stronger.  
  
Zaknafein - What's the second reason?  
  
Semdai - For what?  
  
Zaknafein - Going to the doctor's office.  
  
Semdai - You and me need rabies shots so we don't end up like Kellindil.  
  
Zaknafein - (gulps) Did you say 'shots?'  
  
Semdai - Yeah.  
  
Entreri - (singing along) Crawl on me!  
  
Zaknafein - (growing scared) Does that include needles?  
  
Entreri - (singing...still) Singing to me!  
  
Semdai - (squints at Zaknafein like he's an idiot) Yeah.  
  
Entreri - (still singing) Dance for me!  
  
Zaknafein - (gulps again and presses against the wall) ...needles... (starts shaking)  
  
Entreri - (STILL singing) Living dead girl!  
  
Semdai - (studies Zaknafein) Zak, don't tell me you're afraid of needles.  
  
Drizzt - He has a phobia of needles.  
  
Entreri - (head banging) Blood on her skin!  
  
Semdai - Needle-phobia eh?  
  
Entreri - (Moment of euphoria) Dripping with sin!  
  
Zaknafein - (nods)  
  
Entreri - (take a wild guess) Do it again!  
  
Semdai - Well you're just going to have to break that fear, now aren't you?  
  
Entreri - (not bothering at this point) Living Dead Girl!  
  
(The elevator dings, the music stops)  
  
Entreri - (frantically) Hey! Who killed the music?  
  
Semdai - C'mon boys, we have reached Floor 2! (dashes out of the elevator)  
  
Drizzt - Weren't we going to the Floor 1?  
  
Semdai - (reading the numbers on the doors) We have to stop and pick up some friends of mine first.  
  
Berg'inyon - (steps out of the elevator) Who?  
  
Semdai - (ignores him) 662... 664... Ah! Here we are, Room 666.  
  
Drizzt - (fearfully) 666?  
  
Zaknafein - Who would live in a room numbered 666?  
  
Semdai - (pushes a button next to the door and the metal door slides up, revealing a darkened room that resembles a prison cell with two cots) I hope they're awake. (sweetly) Oh House Do'Urden's Elderboy!  
  
Drizzt/Zaknafein - (shocked) House Do'Urden's Elderboy!?  
  
Jarlaxle - (not shocked) Which one?  
  
(The living occupant of Room 666 leaps from the cot where he had been resting and charges at the door, only to crash into the glass covering the opening)  
  
Semdai - You will never learn, will you?  
  
Jarlaxle - (intrigued) Was that Dinin?  
  
Dinin - (getting up and rubbing his forehead where he hit the glass) Oh course it's me.  
  
Drizzt - (slightly confused) I thought Vierna turned you into a drider.  
  
Dinin - She did.  
  
Drizzt - (utterly confused) Then why are you locked in there as a drow?  
  
Dinin - (sarcastically) For that I have Semdai to thank.  
  
Semdai - Technically Dinin, you're not locked in there.  
  
Dinin - (snorts) Then why is the button that opens the door out there?  
  
Semdai - I mean it, I let you out when you ask nicely.  
  
Dinin - Sometimes.  
  
Semdai - This is your punishment you know.  
  
Dinin - (sighs) Yes, yes, I know, (lecturing voice) if I hadn't stolen your undergarments and proceeded to display them on the walls of your High School then I wouldn't be in here with Nalfein.  
  
Semdai - Speaking of whom, where is he?  
  
Dinin - (nervously) Um... sleeping!  
  
Semdai - (sternly) Dinin Do'Urden, what did you do with Nalfein?  
  
Drizzt - You have Nalfein in there too?  
  
Semdai - What better punishment for Dinin than to imprison him with the drow he most hates?  
  
Dinin - (insisting) I told you, he's taking a nap.  
  
Semdai - (smirking) How long of a nap?  
  
Dinin - (caught in a corner) Uh... (laughs nervously) He won't be waking up anytime soon.  
  
Semdai - That makes the score N22-D14-S30 in favor of Nalfein. (marks on a sheet of paper hanging next to the doorway and presses another button) You've still got a long ways to go, Dinin.  
  
Berg'inyon - What does that mean, N22-D14-S30?  
  
Semdai - Ever since I put the two in there together they have been amusing themselves by killing eachother. Nalfein has killed Dinin 22 times, Dinin has managed to slay Nalfein 14 times, and 30 times they have ended up killing eachother, resulting in a stalemate.  
  
Dinin - (grumbles) I'd have more if you would give us something to fight with.  
  
Jarlaxle - What have you currently got?  
  
Dinin - A ball of twine, a screwdriver, a wax candlestick, a plastic wrench, a squirt gun, and four butter-knives.  
  
Zaknafein - Interesting choice of weaponry.  
  
Semdai - What usually happens is they end up staring at eachother until one finally passes out and the one remaining awake strangles the sleeper.  
  
Entreri - That sounds boring. Why not put those butter-knives to use and duel to the death?  
  
Dinin - We tried that. We ended up with one butter-knife in each other's right eye and the other up our left nostrils.  
  
Semdai - Since then they have not touched the butter-knives.  
  
(A yawn from the second cot draws their attention. Nalfein sits up and scratches his head)  
  
Nalfein - Did I fall asleep?  
  
Semdai - Yes Nalfein, and Dinin increased his score while you were out.  
  
Nalfein - (growls something)  
  
Semdai - What was that?  
  
Nalfein - (calmly pulls the plastic squirt gun out from under his pillow and shoots Dinin with water) Bastard.  
  
Dinin - Ah! My eyes! (thrashes wildly)  
  
Nalfein - (grabs the screwdriver from Dinin's bed and jumps on the thrashing drow) DIE, YOU UNDERHANDED TACTIC USEING BASTARD!!! (stabs Dinin with the screwdriver)  
  
Semdai - Ooh! Their at it again!  
  
Dinin - (tries to fight back and manages to catch both of Nalfein's hands and holds them at bay) NO! (strains) You won't beat me this time!  
  
Nalfein - Yes I will! (bites Dinin's ear)  
  
Dinin - (screams in pain)  
  
Berg'inyon - (disturbed) Kinky.  
  
Jarlaxle - (inches closer to Semdai)  
  
Semdai - (calmly) Don't even think about it, Jarlaxle.  
  
Berg'inyon - (giggles) Too late. (nudges Entreri, who is humming Rob Zombie tunes, and gestures at Jarlaxle)  
  
Entreri - (notices what Berg'inyon means) Whopper with cheese, anyone?  
  
Semdai - (gives Jarlaxle a suspicious look) Whopper with cheese?  
  
Jarlaxle - (not catching on) Actually I like Grilled Stuffed Burrito better.  
  
The other males - (burst out laughing)  
  
Semdai - (curiously reads back over the past few lines and gets what they are laughing at) Oh you guys are BAD! (laughs with them)  
  
Jarlaxle - (bewildered) What?  
  
Nalfein - (presses against the glass) What's so funny?  
  
Jarlaxle - I really don't know.  
  
Nalfein - How old are you?  
  
Jarlaxle - 560 next week, why?  
  
Nalfein - You look like you're 16.  
  
Jarlaxle - Oh yeah, I forgot Semdai turned us into teens in chapter one.  
  
Nalfein - What chapter are we on now?  
  
Jarlaxle - (thinks) 3.  
  
Nalfein - (softly) Oh. (pause) Ok.  
  
Jarlaxle - Where's Dinin?  
  
Nalfein - (turns just in time to see Dinin, bleeding from several screwdriver wounds, throw a twine noose around his neck) Ack!  
  
Dinin - (tackles Nalfein, pulling the twine) Please don't snap. Please don't snap.  
  
Jarlaxle - (simply) There he is.  
  
Semdai - (recovering from the laughing exertion) What'd I miss?  
  
Jarlaxle - Dinin is strangling Nalfein!  
  
Semdai - (presses against the glass) Ooh... Blood...  
  
Dinin - (pushes the now dead Nalfein to the ground) Ha! (gasps and clutches his many wounds) I have... beaten... Nalfein... (dies of his injuries and falls beside Nalfein)  
  
Semdai - (marks on her score sheet) N22-D14-S31 (she presses the two buttons next to the score sheet and both brothers stand up again)  
  
Jarlaxle - Whoa! You brought them back to life with just the press of a button! Cool...  
  
Semdai - And handy. So, how would you two like to come with us?  
  
Dinin - (amazed) Out into the outside world?  
  
Semdai - Yes, Dinin, into the outside world.  
  
Nalfein - (bewildered) You mean there's a world beyond this room?  
  
Dinin - (smacks Nalfein up the back side of his head AKA fwapping) Wael [drow for fool]  
  
Semdai - You've been in there too long. (presses another button, opening he glass door) You two are coming with us.  
  
Dinin - Free at last! (dashes out only to be shot with one of Semdai's magic light balls, clothesline effect) Ack!  
  
Semdai - First you have to become teens like the rest of us. (shoots Nalfein as he lingers in the doorway)  
  
Jarlaxle - You shouldn't linger in doorways, Nalfein, it could be hazardous to your health.  
  
Zaknafein - Yeah, bad things can happen to you, especially doorways with glass panels.  
  
Nalfein - (stands and shakes himself) What could possibly happen to me while standing in a doorway?  
  
Semdai - (shocked) He's obviously never seen the movie Thirteen Ghosts!  
  
Drizzt - (shudders) That movie scared me with those freaky ghosts and all.  
  
Berg'inyon - (confused) Was that the movie we all watched at your friend Tasha's house with the ghost of that naked chick?  
  
Zaknafein - The ghost of the Angry Princess.  
  
Entreri - (perverted grin) Oh yeah. She was a fox.  
  
Berg'inyon - (doesn't get it) She wasn't a fox.  
  
Entreri - (even more perverted grin) You're right, she was a vixen.  
  
Zaknafein - Friggin' scary temper though.  
  
Entreri - (fantasizing about the Angry Princess) Still... she had some nice endowments.  
  
Semdai - (shakes her head) Males...  
  
Jarlaxle - Are you controlling them right now?  
  
Semdai - No, I'm worn out from a hard day of High School and I just thought 'oh Hell with this it's more fun when I let them say what they want anyway.'  
  
Nalfein - (scratches his head) What does this 'Fox' term mean?  
  
Semdai - Means they thought she was hot.  
  
Nalfein - She was burning or something?  
  
Semdai - (fwaps Nalfein) No, meaning she was good looking.  
  
Nalfein - (finally gets it) Oh! So what were you saying about the danger of doorways?  
  
Semdai - (assumes a pensive pose) Well, the stupid and greedy lawyer in Thirteen Ghosts was dumb enough to stand in a doorway that had sliding glass doors. To make a long story short, the glass panel doors closed on him and (enthusiastically) sliced him in half!  
  
Jarlaxle - (makes a sound like splitting flesh)  
  
Semdai - (stoner-like) It was friggin' sweet, man.  
  
Jarlaxle - (eagerly) Totally, especially when his front half slide down the glass and his back half was still standing.  
  
Semdai - (grinning like mad) Juicy...  
  
Nalfein - (steps out of the doorway) Right. (clears his throat) So what's been happening since we were locked in there?  
  
Semdai - Dantrag has been kidnapped by Catti-brie and Kellindil has been infected with rabies and now we have to save them and cure me and Zak of the rabidness before it takes us too.  
  
Nalfein - (sarcastically) Sounds fun.  
  
Semdai - (checks her watch) Oh crap! We gotta go! (takes off down the hall)  
  
Jarlaxle - (runs after her) Why?  
  
Semdai - We're gonna be late! (yells back) Beat feet you guys!  
  
Berg'inyon - (confused) Beat feet?  
  
Semdai - My Dad says it. It means run like hell!  
  
(meanwhile...)  
  
Ivan - (fwaps Pikel) You durn Doodad! You went and got us lost!  
  
Pikel - Doodad?  
  
Ivan - Yes you. You got us lost!  
  
(The two brothers have been wandering aimlessly around town for several hours now)  
  
Ivan - (grumbles) Durn Doodad. You made us loose a chance to appear in chapter two.  
  
Pikel - (scratches his head) Oi?  
  
Ivan - (slaps his forehead) Moradin, give me strength.  
  
Pikel - (starts dancing in a circle) Oo, oi, oo, oi.  
  
Ivan - (bewildered, scratches his head) What're ye doin' Pikel?  
  
Pikel - Doodad. Oi!  
  
Ivan - (a little scared) O. K.  
  
(A black Ford Tundra, complete with seat belts in the flat-bed, screeches to a halt next to the brothers. A skinny, brown-haired, black clad girl with ebony sunglasses leans out the driver side window.)  
  
Ivan - (hopeful) Hey, do you suppose you could tell us where we are?  
  
Driver - (stoned prophetic-like) In a ramble of idiotic proportions, short, bearded man.  
  
Ivan - Do you know where we can find a Semdai Bloodquill?  
  
Driver - (peers over the top of her sunglasses at the dwarf) What? (imitates Russian accent) You don't recognize me, Ivan?  
  
Ivan - (squints) Oh! There you are Semdai.  
  
Pikel - Oo oi!  
  
Semdai - (back to stoned prophet tone) We missed you two last chapter, where were you?  
  
Drizzt - (from the back seat) Semdai, you're not driving stoned, are you?  
  
Semdai - (normal, AKA squeaky teenager, voice) Of course not, I just like talking that way. It's fun.  
  
Entreri/Zaknafein/Dinin - (in the flat bed seat belts [of which there are 7]) Who's driving stoned!?  
  
Semdai - (twists around) Nobody's driving stoned, now settle down! (back to Ivan) You two wanna come with us or join Catti-brie behind McDonalds?  
  
Ivan - What's the difference?  
  
Entreri - (leans over the side of the truck) Semdai's team kicks ass and Catti-brie's just a stupid prima-donna who wants some attention and goes running to her precious daddy to get it.  
  
Berg'inyon - (pats Entreri's back) Nicely put.  
  
Entreri - (smugly) Thank you very much.  
  
Ivan - Can we think about it?  
  
Pikel - Oo oi oo.  
  
Ivan - Catti-brie's team?  
  
Pikel - Oo!  
  
Ivan - Pikel wants to join Catti-brie.  
  
Semdai - (shrugs) Suit yourselves, you can find her behind the McDonalds at the end of this street. (points the way) Later. (speeds away)  
  
Jarlaxle - (riding shotgun) This is an interesting vehicle you have here, Semdai. (fiddles with the seat adjustments and ends up squishing Drizzt, who is sitting behind him, with the back of the seat)  
  
Drizzt - (being squished) Ack!  
  
Semdai - (reaches over and flips a switch on Jarlaxle's seat, making it snap back up) Quit screwing with the seat settings, Jarlaxle.  
  
Jarlaxle - (mock salute) Yes ma'am.  
  
Nalfein - (from the back seat behind Semdai) So where are we going?  
  
Semdai - Doctor's office.  
  
Nalfein - Aren't we strong enough to take on this Catti-brie now?  
  
Semdai - Unfortunately, we are only (pauses to count) eight while Catti- brie ranks (pauses again) seven and holds one of our members captive.  
  
Jarlaxle - (corrects her) Actually we are ten and Catti-brie is seven.  
  
Semdai - (thinks) Oh yeah, Dantrag does count even though he is captured and we haven't really lost Kellindil. At least not yet.  
  
Nalfein - We still out-number them.  
  
Semdai - But we are not in proper fighting condition. Sure Zak and I got rabies, we can bite someone (punches the arm-rest) but it'll only do SO much.  
  
Drizzt - (worried) Should we be letting a rabies-infected person be driving?  
  
Semdai - (motherly tone) Drizzt, please stop wetting your pants every time we are reminded of mine and Zak's ailment.  
  
(Police siren)  
  
Semdai - Please don't let that be me. (checks the side view mirror) It is me. (pulls over) Gods Damn it.  
  
Some Random Fat Police Officer[SRFPO] - (you guys remember this guy from chapter two, right? Big, donut-munching, fat police guy.) Can I see your license, Ma'am?  
  
Semdai - (leans against the open window and hands the cop her license) You make it sound like I have a choice in the matter.  
  
Jarlaxle - What is the meaning of this encounter, Semdai?  
  
Semdai - Yeah, why'd you pull me over, Officer? I wasn't speeding.  
  
SRFPO - No, but you have passengers in the back.  
  
Semdai - (protests) Drizzt and Nalfein here are wearing their seat belts. (points behind her)  
  
SRFPO - I mean those three in the flat bed.  
  
Semdai - (whiny voice) They're wearing seat belts. And we're all over sixteen.  
  
SRFPO - Your license says you are sixteen.  
  
Semdai - (adds) And two months. Still over sixteen.  
  
SRFPO - (hands Semdai back her license) Smart ass teenagers... (walks back to his car grumbling about donuts)  
  
Semdai - (makes a rude sign at the departing officer before speeding off) Damn cops. Who's up for some Rob Zombie?  
  
Entreri - Me!  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
  
(Three figures wander around the street in front of McDonald's, a toad-like creature holding a staff, a perky, little girl, and a tall, scary, one- armed, white-haired man.)  
  
Tall, scary, one-armed, white-haired man - (who has an unnaturally calm and deep voice) Where have you led us?  
  
Toad-like creature holding a staff - I'm not sure, Milord, but the staff has brought us here for some reason.  
  
Tall, scary, one-armed, white-haired man - (unnerving calm again) If you have lead us astray again you will die.  
  
Perky, little girl - Lord Sesshomaru! (clings to tall, scary, one-armed, white-haired man's sleeve) Where are we? This isn't Japan!  
  
Tall, scary, one-armed, white-haired man[AKA Sesshomaru] - Stop whining, Rin.  
  
Rin - (stands rigid and salutes Sesshomaru) Yes, my Lord.  
  
Sesshomaru - Jaken, where are we? The Tetsusaiga is obviously not here.  
  
Jaken - (frantically in his squeaky voice) I don't know, My Lord! The staff must have brought us here for a reason!  
  
(Faint hints of Rob Zombie music in the background.)  
  
Rin - Lord Sesshomaru, what is that sound?  
  
Sesshomaru - Music.  
  
(A modified Ford Tundra zooms around the corner and not only almost flattens Jaken but also drenches the toad-like creature in puddle water)  
  
Jaken - (shakes his wet clothes) Why that little wretch!  
  
Sesshomaru - (mentally laughs his butt off at Jaken)...  
  
Rin - (really laughs her butt off at Jaken) HA ha!  
  
Sesshomaru - (calmly but also smiling) Finally some entertainment in this dull place.  
  
(Back with our [coughs] heroes...)  
  
Semdai - (leans out her window) Was that Sesshomaru?  
  
Jarlaxle - (confused) Who is Sesshomaru?  
  
Semdai - He's from a Japanese manga/anime series called Inuyasha. What would he be doing here? This is a Forgotten Realms fic.  
  
Drizzt - (spacey like) Who knows...  
  
Semdai - (shrugs) Must be a misprint in my filing.  
  
Jarlaxle - So what do that cop want you for, Semdai?  
  
Semdai - They think I'm a terrorist or something.  
  
Drizzt - But you ARE a terrorist.  
  
Semdai - If they find out, I get in loads of trouble.  
  
Drizzt - I see...  
  
Semdai - Here we are! (pulls into a parking lot, taking up two spaces because she can't park straight) Doctor Hoggart's office! (jumps out, the others follow)  
  
Drizzt - (stretches) I call shotgun on the way back!  
  
Jarlaxle - (defensively) Over my dead body, Paladin-boy.  
  
Drizzt - (snaps his fingers and swipes the air in front of him) Fudge in a barrel.  
  
Entreri - What the Hell kind of curse is that?  
  
Drizzt - Semdai taught it to me.  
  
Entreri - (starts to say the 'P' word) Pu-  
  
(Semdai tackles Entreri, pins him down with her legs, grabs his hair in one hand, and puts a knife to his throat with the other before the full word gets out. Her brown eyes glower with anger.)  
  
Semdai - (slowly and seething with venom) Don't you ever, EVER let me catch you uttering that word outside of its proper context, if you do I will personally liberate your entrails, string them on barbed wire, strangle you with them, then hang them and you on my walls as decorations.  
  
FYI - Anyone who knows me personally knows I get very offended when I hear the word 'Pussy' used in improper context. I don't mind it when it's used in reference to cats but if I hear it used to indicate 'something else' I get offended and start beating heads in.  
  
Entreri - (about to wet his pants and crying like a scared little kid) Ok Semdai, I wont ever say it again! I swear!  
  
Semdai - (backs off slowly) On your balls, Artemis Entreri. (licks her knife before putting it away)  
  
Entreri - (gets up shakily, not daring to say 'don't call me Artemis')...  
  
(Awkward silence. Everybody stares unbelieving at Semdai. Some gulp.)  
  
Semdai - (reverts back to her normal, perky self) Now that that's out of my system, what say we go see the doc! Eh? (skips toward the office)  
  
The Males - (exchange stunned looks, shrug, then follow)  
  
To be continued...  
  
AN : I think these chapters are too long... Maybe if I split some of them up it will be easier to post them... What do you readers think? Of course this chapter isn't done yet but the next one will pick up right where this one left off. And BTW, I still need suggestions for places to send our 'heros' when they go trick or treating in chapter 4 [not the next one cuz that's 3 part 2, the next one after that one.] Nobody sent me any suggestions... (sniffles) C'mon guys, just name a place! My friend Alyse wants them to go to Mirkwood[LOTR] and my other friend Megan said to send them Cow tipping[don't ask you'll find out] help me out here! Author in need! 


	4. Pink Floyd, Pregnancy Tests, and Puzzlin...

The Halloweenies By Semdai Bloodquill  
  
Chapter Three Part Two : Pink Floyd, Pregnancy Tests, and Puzzling Problems  
  
(At the doctor's office in the waiting room, Semdai has gone into the back room [after many frustrated cries of, "why can't I own FR?"] to receive her rabies shots. The rest of the troupe occupies the waiting room as they await her return.)  
  
Entreri - (hums Rob Zombie while polishing his dagger)  
  
Drizzt - (approaches the counter and addresses the receptionist) Excuse me ma'am.  
  
Receptionist - (looks up from her paper work) Yes? (bats her eyelashes flirtingly)  
  
Drizzt - (nervously) Do you have a pencil and paper?  
  
Receptionist - (scribbles something on a note-pad then hands it and a pencil to Drizzt while she flashes him a flirting smile) Sure, tall, dark, and handsome. (sexy grin)  
  
Drizzt - (very nervous) Erm... thank you... (hurries back to his seat and sits down)  
  
Zak - (peeks at what the receptionist wrote) Drizzt (slyly) you lady killer.  
  
Drizzt - What?  
  
Zak - She gave you her number. (nudges Drizzt in the ribs) Stud.  
  
Berg'inyon - (has been watching the whole time, shakes his head slowly and returns to his magazine)  
  
Jarlaxle - (sulking in a chair by the window) I miss Semdai.  
  
Entreri - (looks up from polishing) Quit whining, drow, Semdai'll be back before you know it. Then you two can run off together and screw around 'til your heart's content.  
  
Jarlaxle - (sighs dreamily)  
  
Nurse - Mr. Zaknafein Do'Urden!  
  
Zak - (hops up) Yes.  
  
Nurse - Follow me please.  
  
Zak - (does so)  
  
Entreri - (without looking up) Dead Drow Walking!  
  
Zak - (gives Entreri the finger)  
  
Entreri - (still doesn't look up) My house or yours!  
  
Zak - (gets herded into the other back room before he can respond)  
  
Drizzt - (shakes his head slowly and resumes drawing)  
  
Berg'inyon - (rolls his eyes)  
  
(The 'Jurassic Park' tune starts playing)  
  
Jarlaxle - Ooh! I've got a call. (pulls out his cell phone which is the source of the Jurassic Park music)  
  
Berg'inyon - Why would you set your cell phone to play Jurassic Park?  
  
Entreri - Where did you get a cell phone anyway?  
  
Jarlaxle - (answers the phone) Hello?  
  
Semdai - (on the phone) Is that you Jarlaxle?  
  
Jarlaxle - Yeah.  
  
Semdai - I've got news.  
  
Jarlaxle - (excited) You're cured!  
  
Semdai - Actually it's bad news.  
  
Jarlaxle - (crestfallen) What's that?  
  
Semdai - Give the phone to Drizzt.  
  
Jarlaxle - Why?  
  
Semdai - I'm gonna scare the living crap out of him so play along.  
  
Jarlaxle - Drizzt, it's for you. (throws the phone to Drizzt)  
  
Drizzt - (catches the phone and puts it to his ear) Hello?  
  
Semdai - That you Drizzt?  
  
Drizzt - Yeah, Is that you, Semdai?  
  
Semdai - I don't have a lot of time left.  
  
Drizzt - What do you mean?  
  
Semdai - They can't cure me.  
  
Drizzt - (voice rising) What are you saying?  
  
The others - (stare at Drizzt)  
  
Semdai - I borrowed my dad's shotgun.  
  
Drizzt - (frantic) What are you doing with a gun?!  
  
Berg'inyon - (confused) What's going on?  
  
Drizzt - (panicking) I think Semdai's gonna shoot herself!  
  
Entreri - (jumps up, dropping his dagger) What! (grabs the phone from Drizzt) Semdai, don't you dare shoot yourself! You can't leave me stranded in this screwed up place alone!  
  
Drizzt - (grabs the phone back) Give me that! Semdai!  
  
Semdai - I've got the gun to my head now, it's loaded and cocked and everything.  
  
Drizzt - Don't do it!  
  
(Huge gunshot sound from over the phone)  
  
Drizzt - (drops the phone) Holy Meilikki!  
  
Entreri/Berg'inyon/Drizzt/Jarlaxle - (dash for the phone) No Semdai!  
  
(Silence on the other end)  
  
All - Semdai!  
  
Semdai - (laughs her ass off)  
  
Drizzt - (faints)  
  
Berg'inyon - (panting) Lloth have mercy.  
  
Jarlaxle - That was an oxymoron!  
  
Semdai - (mocking) No, Semdai, no. Don't do it, Sem!  
  
Entreri - (leans back) That's an evil girl.  
  
Jarlaxle - (regaining his breath) That was a good one, Precious.  
  
Semdai - (still giggling) Had you going there, didn't I?  
  
Jarlaxle - (to the other guys) She's right proud of herself.  
  
Entreri - (stressed) Of course she is! (slowly) Evil girl...  
  
Jarlaxle - (regains the phone) Hey, Precious, didn't something like this happen in a movie we say?  
  
Semdai - The deleted scenes from The Boondock Saints?  
  
Jarlaxle - Yeah that's the one. Why are you parodying that movie? None of the readers have probably seen it, or even heard of it.  
  
Semdai - I couldn't resist. I love that scene. (pause) Oh crap!  
  
Jarlaxle - What?  
  
Semdai - Looks like I caused a stir with that shot. There's a bunch of people coming out. Well I'll see you guys in a few minutes. Granted I can escape this damn crowd.  
  
Jarlaxle - (smiles) See ya later, Precious. (hangs up)  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Zak - (strapped to a table) What are you gonna do to me?  
  
Doctor - (holding a needle) You're only getting a shot.  
  
Zak - (frantic) Then why am I strapped to this table!?  
  
Doctor - (simply) We have to make sure you don't run off.  
  
Zak - (gulps)  
  
Doctor - Nurse, please remove the patient's shirt.  
  
Zak - Whoa! (scared) Why are you stripping me!  
  
Doctor - Rabies shots must be injected into the stomach.  
  
Zak - (screams) Mommy!  
  
Nurse - (lifts Zak's shirt away from his stomach) Are you an athlete Mr. Do'Urden?  
  
Zak - (nervous) I used to train fighters for House Do'Urden.  
  
Nurse - (touches Zak's muscular stomach) Do you work out?  
  
Zak - (panicking) Why are you touching me there?  
  
Doctor - Hold still now. (sticks a big, scary needle into Zak's belly)  
  
Zak - (screams) MOMMY!!!  
  
Back in the waiting room...  
  
(Semdai has returned ands is entertaining everyone by performing Pink Floyd's The Wall)  
  
Semdai - (singing) We don't need no education!  
  
Jarlaxle - (bobs his head)  
  
Semdai - We don't need no thought control!  
  
Drizzt - (imitates playing the drums)  
  
Semdai - No dark sarcasm in the classroom!  
  
Entreri - (clutches his ears as he tries to shut the song out)  
  
Semdai - Teachers leave them kids alone!  
  
Berg'inyon - (quirks an eyebrow)  
  
(The back room door opens and Zak stumbles out)  
  
Semdai - (stops singing) Zak!  
  
Zak - (looks up, a crazed expression in his eyes)  
  
The others - (stare at Zak)  
  
Zak - (starts screaming 'Another Brick in the Wall Part 3) I don't need no arms around me!  
  
Semdai - (joins) And I don't need no drugs to calm me!  
  
Zak - I have seen the writing on the wall!  
  
Semdai - Don't think I need anything at all!  
  
Zak - No! Don't think I'll need anything at all!  
  
Semdai/Zak - All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall!  
  
Others - (staring in confusion)  
  
Semdai/Zak - All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall!  
  
Entreri - (holding his head) Make it stop!  
  
Jarlaxle - (confused) Make what stop?  
  
Entreri - Pink Floyd and Rob Zombie are fighting inside my head!  
  
Semdai - (scratches her head) How did that happen?  
  
Entreri - (rolls on the ground) Make them stop!  
  
Semdai - SILENCE!!  
  
(crickets chirping)  
  
Semdai - Better?  
  
Entreri - (slowly) Yeah... a little...  
  
Semdai - Good. Let's go save Kellindil and Dantrag! (runs for the door)  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Catti-brie - (fiddling with the scrying mirror) Stupid, cheap ACME Scrying Device. (kicks it)  
  
Wulfgar - (eating a Big Mac and throwing fries at Dantrag's head) Let me guess, it broke?  
  
Catti-brie - (angrily) Yes it broke. Now I can't spy on Semdai.  
  
(Pounding on the door)  
  
Catti-brie - (scared) Eek! (dives behind the scrying device)  
  
Wulfgar - (calmly) Lay off the caffeine, Catti.  
  
Bruenor - (answers the door) Calm down girl, it's just Ivan and Pikel.  
  
Pikel - Doodad!  
  
Ivan - (bows) How're ya doin' King Bruenor?  
  
Bruenor - We're trying ta get the elf outta trouble.  
  
Ivan - Drizzt?  
  
Bruenor - Yeah... Some crazy wench has got him stuck with her and we're aiming to get him out.  
  
Ivan - Pikel an' me saw 'em on our way over here.  
  
Catti-brie - (pops up) You did!  
  
Pikel - Yup yup.  
  
Catti-brie - Where?! (grabs Ivan's tunic) Where?!  
  
Ivan - (nervous) They was heading to the doctor's place.  
  
Catti-brie - (gasps) She's going to have Drizzt brain-washed so that he will forget about us and fight on her side!  
  
Ivan - ???  
  
Pikel - Oi?  
  
Wulfgar - (takes aim at Dantrag's nose) Is that so? (throws a fry)  
  
Dantrag - (annoyed about being tied to a chair and having fries thrown at him) Are you having fun or something?  
  
Wulfgar - Yes, actually I am.  
  
Dantrag - (very agitated) Can't you get your kicks somewhere else?  
  
Wulfgar - Where's the fun in that? (throws another fry at Dantrag)  
  
Catti-brie - Wulfgar! Stop playing around, we have work to do.  
  
Semdai - (from the doorway) Oh let him have his fun.  
  
Catti-brie - (gasps) How did YOU get here!?  
  
Semdai - (simply) I teleported of course.  
  
Catti-brie - (points at Semdai) I command you to release Drizzt!  
  
Semdai - (picks at a hangnail) You shouldn't point at people, it's rude.  
  
Catti-brie - Release Drizzt or we will destroy you!  
  
Semdai - (sarcastically) You and what army?  
  
Catti-brie - (looks around and realizes her army is very small) I will rally all the goodly races against you! Then once you are gone, Drizzt will remember his love for me.  
  
Semdai - (exasperated) Don't tell me you're STILL sore because you didn't get Drizzt in Mirror Me Dark.  
  
Catti-brie - You gave him to some drow slut you just created out of thin air instead of remaining true to the original RAS books and acknowledging how Drizzt and I belong together. (hopeless romantic)  
  
Semdai - (technical voice) Drizzt himself admits in Thousand Orcs that he could never give you children, Catti-brie. It was decreed by RAS that you and Drizzt could never have a family together.  
  
Catti-brie - (holds her head) No! It's not true!  
  
Semdai - (shakes her head) You're hopeless. (she and Dantrag vanish)  
  
Wulfgar - Ah nuts, she took my target.  
  
Catti-brie - (falls to her knees) Oh Drizzt... (sadly) is it true? Did RAS really write such a thing about us? Are we really not meant to be?  
  
Bruenor - Are you Ok?  
  
Catti-brie - (leaps up) I must know the truth! (runs out the door)  
  
Bruenor - (sighs) C'mon, we better make sure she doesn't hurt anyone.  
  
Wulfgar - Or herself.  
  
(They follow Catti-brie)  
  
Back to our heroes and heroine...  
  
(Outside the doctor's office)  
  
Semdai - (reappears with Dantrag clinging to her waist)  
  
Dantrag - (hugs Semdai around the middle) Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you- thank-you!  
  
Semdai - (pats Dantrag's head) It's all right now, Dantrag, Catti-brie isn't gonna get you.  
  
Berg'inyon - (hugs Dantrag) Brother! You're back!  
  
Dantrag - (eyes popping as he clings to Semdai) Organs- (strained) exploding-  
  
Berg'inyon - Sorry. (lets go)  
  
Dantrag - (notices something) Semdai are you getting bigger?  
  
Semdai - (confused) What do you mean?  
  
Dantrag - You seem to be putting on some weight.  
  
Entreri - (looks at Jarlaxle suspiciously) Would YOU have anything to do with that, Jarlaxle?  
  
Jarlaxle - (innocently) Why would I make Semdai eat excessively thus causing her to gain weight?  
  
Dantrag - (still holding Semdai's waist) You know that's not what he means.  
  
Drizzt - You and Sem did disappear for a couple pages in chapter one, Jarlaxle.  
  
Semdai - That can't have happened, we used protection.  
  
Jarlaxle - (deep voice) Trojan Man!  
  
Zak - (pats Jarlaxle on the shoulder) Congratulations Jarlaxle, you might be the father of the first half drow ever.  
  
Jarlaxle - (thinks on the idea) Wow... this is heavy...  
  
Berg'inyon - Wait! How do we know that Semdai is pregnant for sure?  
  
Entreri - Hey Dantrag, feel any kicking?  
  
Drizzt - It's too early for that. The only way we can know for sure is a pregnancy test.  
  
Entreri - (sarcastically) Where are we gonna get a pregnancy test? Thanks to Semdai, we're teenagers, you know.  
  
Berg'inyon - He's right, we can't even buy alcohol anymore, how will we get our hands on a pregnancy test?  
  
Semdai - What say we discuss this WHILE we look for Kellindil?  
  
Jarlaxle - Good idea, Precious.  
  
Semdai - (claps her hands together) Alrighty then, as soon as Dantrag lets go of my waist, we can go.  
  
Dantrag - (lets go)  
  
(They start walking down the street)  
  
Semdai - (in the lead) What were we talking about?  
  
Jarlaxle - (beside Semdai) How we can get a pregnancy test.  
  
Semdai - Oh yeah. Sorry guys, sometimes the hamster falls asleep at the wheel.  
  
Berg'inyon - (shakes his head) Weal... [drow for: Fool]  
  
Semdai - (throws a pebble at Berg'inyon) Bastard.  
  
Berg'inyon - (dives behind Entreri) Pebble! Take cover!  
  
Entreri - Hey! Don't use me as a shield!  
  
Semdai - (not paying attention) I've been wondering something.  
  
Drizzt - What's that?  
  
Semdai - Why do we change the name of an animal after we kill it?  
  
Jarlaxle - That's a good question.  
  
Semdai - A deer becomes venison; a cow becomes beef; a pig becomes pork; a horse becomes... a Whopper!  
  
Drizzt - A Whopper?!  
  
Semdai - Why do you think I hate Burger King. They use horses.  
  
Zak - Here's another one: Why are there ten buttons on a blender? (super fast) Stir, mix, whip, chop, grate, grind, blend, fold, liquefy, mutilate, desecrate, amputate, castrate.  
  
Berg'inyon - (startled) Castrate!?  
  
Semdai - Hypothetically, Berg'inyon.  
  
Zak - (confused) The blades just spin in a circle. Why don't they just tell the truth on the buttons? (really fast again) Kinda fast, fast, faster, really fast, whoa don't put your finger in here now! (lol) Those buttons mean nothing and yet we stand there and wonder which is the right one for the job. (sarcastically) Like someone's gonna spit out there milkshake and scream, 'this has obviously been frapped!'  
  
Semdai - (laughing) Ya know what Jarlaxle, if we do have a kid, we're gonna raise it right. No spoiled brats! (turns to the others) Don't you hate seeing kids like that in public? Their parents are all like, (snotty voice) 'I don't believe in hitting my kids.' (normal voice) Well I believe in hitting your kid, step aside!  
  
(laughs)  
  
Nalfein - You know what's not fair.  
  
Drizzt - What's not fair?  
  
Nalfein - Women get to use sex as a weapon. Men can't do that.  
  
The Others - (they ponder this idea)  
  
Nalfein - I mean what are we gonna say (macho voice) That's it no sex for you tonight. (scoffs) She's probably thinking YES! (the others laugh) I love that expression: Sex as a weapon.  
  
Entreri - (pondering) Could it be used as a weapon to rob a bank? (visualizing) You walk in there naked and yell (yells) Every lie down! (the others laugh some more) Don't make me use this! (pauses while more laughter takes place) Just give me the money and nobody gets laid!  
  
(Laughing)  
  
Dinin - Have you ever walked pass a mirror and sucked your stomach in? (pondering) Then you sigh with relief and say, 'Phew. I almost found out I was fat.'  
  
Semdai - I resemble that remark!  
  
Drizzt - Have you guys ever seen one of those shows where people call up and vote on different issues? They always have 18% I Don't Know. (pause) It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they vote I Don't Know? (imitates an example) Honey, I feel very strongly about this, give me the phone, I don't know!  
  
Jarlaxle - Those people probably call up phone sex girls for $4.95 and say, 'I'm not in the mood!' Click!  
  
(They pass a billboard and stop to read it)  
  
Drizzt - (reading the billboard) New Winston! With no additives.  
  
Semdai - (confused) Who's that for? (sarcastically) The health conscious smokers?  
  
Zak - (sarcastically) What's next? (flamboyant) New heroine with zinc!  
  
Semdai - (looks at the next billboard and reads it) Hank's Big and Tall.  
  
Entreri - Well good for him.  
  
Zak - Hope he's not packing.  
  
Semdai - Why are these 'Big and Tall' stores always called some big name? How come it's never Percy's Big and Tall (slyly) or Artemis's Big and Tall?  
  
Entreri - (glares at Semdai)  
  
Semdai - You never see a lady's store called 'Bertha's Big Bone Bargain Bin' do ya?  
  
Jarlaxle - You would if Uthegental Del'Armgo ran it.  
  
Dantrag - (snickers)  
  
Entreri - Have you guys ever noticed how awkward people act in elevators? (pause) Everyone faces the front. What I'm gonna do sometime is get in the elevator and face the people. (evil chuckle) I'll act like a psychotic killer.  
  
Drizzt - So, you'll just be yourself.  
  
Entreri - (ignores the comment) I'll get in the elevator of a tall building. Eighteenth floor going down. Press two buttons: eight and seven. Do my act. I get out at the eighth floor and because I know everyone's gonna talk about me, I run down the stairs to the seventh floor. Arrange myself in a menacing position, then when the doors open up I growl in my deep, raspy, evil voice, (deep, raspy, evil, voice) I heard what you said about me.  
  
Semdai - We should do that together!  
  
Drizzt - (trips over the curb and falls on his face)  
  
Semdai - Don't hurt yourself, Drizzt.  
  
Drizzt - I'm fine... just tripped. (sits up and brushes himself off) Hey what's this? (picks up and object from the side of the street)  
  
Entreri - (leans over Drizzt's shoulder) You're too stupid to figure out what it is. (grabs the object from Drizzt) Let me see. (examines the object) I'm not sure what it is. (tosses the object to Jarlaxle) What do you think, Jarlaxle?  
  
Drizzt - (tries to grab the object) Hey! (whines) Give it back! I found it first!  
  
Jarlaxle - (yells) Drizzt in the middle! (throws the object to Entreri)  
  
Drizzt - (whines) Give it back you guys!  
  
Semdai - (picking at her nails) Drizzt, quit whining.  
  
Drizzt - (pouts) You guys are so mean to me. (sits on the curb)  
  
Entreri - Hey Zak, was Drizzt really this bad when he was a kid?  
  
Zak - (heavily) If only you knew. He was born warped I think.  
  
Dantrag - (sarcastically) I wonder whose fault that was.  
  
Zak - Oh yeah, everything gets blamed on the weapon master. The House falls out of Lloth's favor and it's the weapon master's fault.  
  
Berg'inyon - Technically, it was the weapon master's SON'S fault.  
  
Zak - (irritated) I am trying to make a point here if you don't mind.  
  
Berg'inyon - (snobbishly) Well I'm a weapon master too.  
  
Zak - I'm a better weapon master.  
  
Dantrag - You're not even a noble!  
  
Zak - (scoffs and waves his hand) A meaningless title and nothing more.  
  
Dantrag - (pissed off) Why you! (tackles Zak)  
  
(And on the other side of the curb...)  
  
Jarlaxle - (examining the object) I give up. Even with my vast knowledge of other cultures, I can't discover the purpose of this object.  
  
Entreri - (imitates Barbossa) There're a lot of long words there, Jarlaxle.  
  
Jarlaxle - (testy) I don't know what this stupid thing is. Is that better?  
  
Semdai - Let me see. (takes the item from Jarlaxle)  
  
Nalfein - If anyone knows, it'll be Semdai.  
  
Semdai - (holds back a burst of laughter)  
  
Jarlaxle/Entreri/Nalfein/Dinin - What?!  
  
Semdai - (holding back laughter) You really don't know what this is?  
  
(Lots of head shaking)  
  
Semdai - (whispers in Jarlaxle's ear)  
  
Jarlaxle - (shocked and disturbed) Oh my gods!  
  
Entreri - (wary) What?  
  
Jarlaxle - (whispers in Entreri's ear)  
  
Entreri - (really grossed out) We were touching THAT?! (shudders) That's sick! (wipes his hands frantically on Drizzt's cloak)  
  
Drizzt - (pushes Entreri off) What is it already?!  
  
Entreri/Jarlaxle - (whisper in Drizzt's ears)  
  
Drizzt - (bulging eyes and horrified expression) Oh Meilikki! (runs away frantically waving his hands as if to cleanse them) GROSSNESS!!!  
  
(Pause for effect)  
  
Semdai/Jarlaxle/Entreri - (burst out laughing)  
  
Nalfein/Dinin - ??? [BTW ??? = very confused expression]  
  
Jarlaxle - (rolling on the ground laughing) That was so great!  
  
Entreri - (doubled over laughing) And he fell for it!  
  
Nalfein - What'd you tell him?  
  
Semdai - (sitting on the curb laughing) We told him it was a new kind of vibrator.  
  
Dinin - What is it really?  
  
Semdai - It's just a fancy lighter. (throws it to Dinin) See for yourself.  
  
Dinin - (tries to light the 'lighter' but it shocks him and he ends up dropping it) What the hell? (shakes his hand rapidly in confusion)  
  
Semdai - (laughs) It's a trick lighter. A kid in my health class had one and he was tricking people into lighting it and shocking themselves. (big grin) It was great.  
  
Dinin - (picks up the trick lighter) Coooool. (shocks himself with it) This thing is awesome!  
  
Semdai - I've created a monster.  
  
(Back to the fighters...)  
  
Zak - (pins Dantrag down) Count it!  
  
Berg'inyon - (wrestling referee style) One! Two! Three! Ding-ding-ding!  
  
Zak - I win. (sits on Dantrag's back) you suck, Baenre floozy. (loud and macho-like) I am the mighty Zaknafein! Bow before me weak and pitiful Baenre worms!  
  
Berg'inyon/Dantrag - (give Zak the finger)  
  
Dinin - (comes running over) Zak! You gotta try this thing! (thrusts the trick lighter into Zak's hands) Try to light it!  
  
Zak - Wait a sec! I've seen these things before. (gets an idea) Hold still, Baenre floozy. (uses Dantrag's nose to start the trick lighter)  
  
Dantrag - (screams) Ah! My nose! Stop it!  
  
Zak - (still shocking him) Say it!  
  
Dantrag - (struggles wildly) Never!  
  
Zak - Say it and I'll stop!  
  
Dantrag - (writhing) All right, all right! Zak is the greatest Weapon Master ever to walk Menzoberranzan!  
  
Zak - (lets Dantrag go) Damn right! Semdai - (walks over with Jarlaxle and Nalfein) Whatcha guys doing? We still need to find Kellindil before it's too late.  
  
Zak - What will happen if we don't find him in time?  
  
Semdai - Well rabies is a viral infection of the central nervous system. If left untreated the infected person will experience muscular convulsions, paralysis, and eventually death.  
  
Nalfein - Someone paid attention in health class.  
  
Semdai - (shrugs) First period of the day, not much else to do except talk to my two friends who have that class too.  
  
Entreri - (recovers from laughing exertion and rejoins the others) Shouldn't we get Drizzt and resume our search? (gets an idea) No wait! (eagerly) Can we leave Drizzt behind?  
  
Semdai - Let's go guys. (skips off in the direction Drizzt went)  
  
Jarlaxle - (runs up behind her and scoops her up in his arms)  
  
Dantrag - (yells) Jarlaxle! Remember: She won't get sick if you cover your dick!  
  
Berg'inyon - (scarred for life) Sick bastard! (slaps Dantrag on the back)  
  
Zak - Got any more of those?  
  
Dantrag - (cheerfully) When in heat, package your meat.  
  
Zak/Entreri/Dinin/Nalfein - (laughs)  
  
Semdai - (from Jarlaxle's arms) Hurry up you slow pokes!  
  
(They do so and Dantrag continues to entertain them with stupid condom sayings)  
  
Dantrag - Don't be a loner, cover your boner!  
  
Passing Note: Many thanks to Ryan Enis for allowing me to read the stuff written on his CD case (and for letting me add 'Life's a bitch so fuck it' and 'Bitches in Cream' to it). Thank you Ryan and please don't be mad that I put your condom jokes in here... if you ever read this, which you probably won't... (cough) Yeah. the condom jokes are NOT mine, they belong to Ryan's CD case.  
  
Entreri - (shakes head) You've got some messed up shit in your head, Drow boy.  
  
Semdai - I didn't do it!  
  
(They walk for a few blocks until they find Drizzt hanging upside down in a giant thorn bush)  
  
Semdai - Drizzt, how smart do you have to be to hide in a thorn bush?  
  
Drizzt - That was disgusting! (growls) A vibrator!  
  
Semdai - Drizzt, we were just joking now will you get out of that bush?  
  
Drizzt - I already tried, I'm a little stuck. Wait a minute! YOU WERE JOKING!  
  
Semdai - (skeptically) Yeah, honestly Ranger boy, who would leave a vibrator in the middle of the road?  
  
Entreri - And who would make one in the form of a lighter anyway?  
  
Semdai - I saw one online that was shaped like Hello Kitty.  
  
Berg'inyon - (feeling queasy) Hello Kitty?  
  
Semdai - Yep, a Hello Kitty Vibrator. Fun for all ages! Or so said the advertisement.  
  
Drizzt - Hey! I'm like stuck in a bush here.  
  
Semdai - So is the country at the moment. We're all stuck under the rule of Bush. Sorry to any republicans out there, but I do not approve of Mr. Bush. I mean come on, how are you supposed to feel about a guy who insisted on using his middle initial. (retard imitation) It is I, Georrrge Duhbayuh [W] Bush!  
  
Drizzt - These thorns kind of hurt here!  
  
Semdai - Yes, enough with politics. (yells as loud as she can) Politics can kiss my fat, white ass!  
  
Jarlaxle - Over my dead body! Did I say that out loud?  
  
Semdai - (laughs) Yes, Jarlaxle, you did.  
  
Jarlaxle - (sighs and shakes his head, ignoring the snickering from the others)  
  
Semdai - How shall we get you out of this bush, Drizzt?  
  
Dantrag - We could always just drag him out.  
  
Drizzt - (frantically) No!  
  
Entreri - We could walk away and leave him there till the bush dies. He's a drow after all and has a friggin huge lifespan.  
  
Semdai - True... very true... but that would take a long time, we'll shove that idea to the back burner and come back to it later. Any others?  
  
Zak - We could cut him out.  
  
Semdai - (shakes her head) Nothing to cut him out with.  
  
Zak - (shrugs) Oh well.  
  
Dinin - Burning?  
  
Semdai - Nothing to start a fire with.  
  
Dinin - Damn.  
  
Drizzt - Hey! You and me are supposed to be brothers!  
  
Dinin - Half-brothers!  
  
Drizzt - I spared you life in 'Exile!'  
  
Dinin - So what? I got Drider-ized because of you!  
  
Zak - Knock it off, you too!  
  
Dinin - Why should I listen to you? You're not my father.  
  
Zak - I killed your wuss of a father.  
  
Dinin - So?  
  
Zak - He was such a pansy.  
  
Semdai - I second! Rizzen was a major pansy!  
  
Dinin - Hey, lets narc on Drizzt some more.  
  
Semdai - Did you guys know that a pig's orgasm last for 30 minutes?  
  
(stunned silence)  
  
Drizzt - Where did that come from?  
  
Semdai - A friend of mine got this e-mail with lots of weird facts on it and that was one of them.  
  
Zak - (stunned) Damn... 30 minutes...  
  
Dantrag - I wanna be a pig in my next life.  
  
Semdai - And also did you guys know that some lions mate as much as 50 times in one day?  
  
Entreri - Holy shit!  
  
Dantrag - I'd still wanna be a pig, quality over quantity.  
  
Jarlaxle - I wonder if you could combine the two.  
  
Zak - 50 times a day, 30 minutes each time...  
  
Jarlaxle - Oh the possibilities.  
  
Semdai - Actually you'd only be able to get about 40 in one day.  
  
Dantrag - How do you figure?  
  
Semdai - 50 times 30 and divide it by 60 you be having sex for 25 hours, not including the time it takes to get up to an orgasm.  
  
Jarlaxle - She has a point...  
  
Drizzt - Hey! Why are we talking about this while all my blood is rushing to my head!?  
  
Semdai - (ignores Drizzt) Cat's urine glows under a black light.  
  
Dinin - I wonder who was paid to figure that out.  
  
Drizzt - (pouts) I want out of this bush.  
  
Semdai - (grabs Drizzt's collar and drags him out of the bush)  
  
Drizzt - (screams from being stabbed by many prickly, little thorns)  
  
Semdai - (continues) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.  
  
Berg'inyon - Perhaps that is a good thing.  
  
(They continue walking)  
  
Semdai - After you chop off its head, a cockroach will live for nine days before it starves to death.  
  
Jarlaxle - (snickers)  
  
Zak - (stunned) 30 minutes...  
  
Semdai - (shakes her head) Males...  
  
(They enter a small park with a big field and a few big, tall trees.)  
  
Semdai - Do you guys see that other there? (points to a figure crawling around the trees)  
  
Entreri - (squints) Wow! My eyesight is so much better now that I'm young again.  
  
Drizzt - When were you old? I'm twice your age.  
  
Entreri - (fwaps Drizzt) You're a drow, you idjit.  
  
[fwap - term used for the action of smacking someone up the backside of the head]  
  
Semdai - Paging ego maniacs Drizzt and Arrrtemis, get your minds back on task.  
  
Entreri - (glares) Don't call me Artemis.  
  
Semdai - (ignores him) Do you guys so that thing over there or not?  
  
Entreri - (testy) Yes I see it.  
  
Semdai - It might be Kellindil, let's go look.  
  
(The jog[Gods, I hate that word] over to the figure, now sprawled under a tree)  
  
Semdai - Whatta ya know, it is Kellindil. (nudges him with her toe) Hey, Kellindil, wake up.  
  
Kellindil - (no response)...  
  
Jarlaxle - I think he's dead.  
  
Berg'inyon - He sure looks dead.  
  
Entreri - I'm pretty sure he's dead.  
  
Drizzt - Uh oh, another dead fest.  
  
Semdai - (kneels next to unmoving Kellindil and touches his shoulder) Kellindil? (shakes him)  
  
Kellindil - (moans softly)  
  
Semdai - (cheerfully) He's not dead!  
  
Entreri - (snaps his fingers and punches the air in front of him) Damn, I wanted him to be dead.  
  
Kellindil - (manages to open one eye and give Entreri the finger)...  
  
Semdai - (rolls Kellindil onto his back) Ok, Kellindil, time for your medicine. (lifts Kellindil's tunic and prepares to stick him with huge needle) Hold him guys.  
  
(Warily, the others hold Kellindil down. It wouldn't have mattered if they hadn't' because by now Kellindil can't move much and is starting to look like Frodo did after he was stabbed by the Morgul Blade, except without the sweating and constant whimpers of pain. Kellindil just has really heavy breathing and green hues. Lovely picture, eh?)  
  
Semdai - (sticks the big needle into Kellindil's belly, then starts singing that one elvish song from the Two Towers when Aragorn is floating in the water and he sees Arwen in his head. Yes I know I'm pathetic but I love the elvish songs in those movies. I even have to lyrics written down and memorized. sighs heavily) Wiwenei na wou natha nani na wienwee nei naringi... [elvish lyrics (written in Japanese pronunciation) so don't try to read them unless you have the Two Towers soundtrack and are listening to track 14. I know, I'm a nerd.]  
  
Kellindil - (whimpers but is somehow calmed by Semdai's awful singing. Or maybe it's just the elvish words?)  
  
Semdai - (continues the singing, how the others could stand it, I don't know) ...badon woi nai bai gwa no tha por winbanthii wi pan... (pause for dramatic effect and break in song) ...woi nai wo na weee... (song ends, hurray)  
  
[Quick Japanese lesson - vowels in Japanese make different sounds than they do here in America. An I makes the long e sound, 'eek minus the k' and E makes and 'eh' sound. O and U sound just like they would if you said the letter out loud. O = Oh and U = Ooo.('in awe' like noise) A makes the sound 'ah']  
  
Kellindil - (falls into deep sleep)...(snore)  
  
Semdai - (retracts the needle and looks around. Sees Kellindil, Zak, and Jarlaxle snoozing, lulled to sleep, and the rest lying dazed with swirly marks over their eyes, knocked out by bad singing.) ??? (looks around confusedly then hangs her head in defeat.) I guess my singing really is awful... Dad was right... (sits in the grass and ponders ideas for chapter 4)  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
AN : (waves fingers in order to restore blood flow) that took a LONG time to write. Writer's Block sucks, swallows, and blows. I hate it! So did everyone like? Next chapter they finally go trick-or-treating so this is your last chance to tell me where you want them to go. Review quick if you want your request in there. I've been asking around my social group at school and got some pretty screwy stuff but I still want your opinions so tell me!  
  
Also there is a big controversy over whether or not I actually have a good voice. My dad and others say I suck at singing (it's so nice to have a father that is open and honest with me about my talents and faults) and many of my friends say my voice is really good and just needs to be trained. (maybe that's why they held me down and put choir on my forecasting sheet for next year?)  
  
Well enough about me. Gotta start writing Chapter 4 and planing Chapter 5 (which will be the last chapter but don't freak out since there is very likely chance for a sequel if enough people request it.) Until next time, feel free to flame.  
  
~ Semdai Bloodquill 


	5. Darth Vader, Dorks, and Dogs

Chapter Four : Darth Vader, Dorks, and Dogs  
  
A not so long time ago in an apartment located somewhere in Oregon...  
  
THE HALLOWENIES  
  
Episode IV  
  
(A shaky peace ensues after the rescue of Dantrag Baenre. The group of teenagers lead by the notorious Semdai Bloodquill returns to their hideout for a much needed rest before Halloween officially begins. Unbeknownst to them, however, the terribly obsessed (with Drizzt) Catti-brie is devising a devious plot to bring down Semdai and her followers.)  
  
(Anybody thinking of Star Wars yet?)  
  
(In her hideout behind McDonald's, Catti-brie fiddles with her new ACME Spell Kit Level One, while munching on Crunch bars and talking to Regis.)  
  
Catti-brie - (mouth full of chocolate) You were right, Regis, this chocolate really makes me feel better.  
  
Regis - I suppose you want me to go back to Semdai's and steal some more?  
  
Catti-brie - You got this from Semdai?  
  
Regis - Yep. Master thief, stole them from Semdai's kitchen right out from under her nose. So what's this stuff for.  
  
Catti-brie - I'm trying to curse Semdai.  
  
Regis - With what?  
  
Catti-brie - I wanted a death curse or something major like that, but the worst this kit can do is forgetting.  
  
Regis - You mean like a memory charm?  
  
Catti-brie - I know! I'll erase her memories of Drizzt so that she will release him.  
  
Regis - You sure that's possible? Semdai is all powerful here, it is her world after all.  
  
Catti-brie - Good point. I'll just erase the memories of her little sex partner.  
  
Regis - Who?  
  
Catti-brie - (mocking, sarcastic voice, no longer listening to Regis) You're so lovely, Dear Miss Catti-brie. Won't you sleep with me, Catti- brie. (angry voice) You'll pay for your sick, deluded fantasies, Jarlaxle.  
  
(Back at Semdai's apartment. Being the slightly demented 16-year-old that she is, Semdai's idea of calming down after a trying day is a relaxing, salted, bubble bath. However, due to the fact that there are nine teenage boys staying at her place overnight, she decides to wait to take her bath and watch 'The Empire Strikes Back' instead. Everybody has crashed on the couches and chairs and is gorging on popcorn, soda, and Semdai's home-made spaghetti.)  
  
TV - (blaring Star Wars theme and featuring Darth Vader pacing about in his Star Destroyer.)  
  
Semdai - (cuddled on couch 1 between Jarlaxle and Entreri) I love the music of this movie. (starts dramatically dum-dum-dumming to the Star Wars theme)  
  
Kellindil - (snoring in the next chair over)  
  
Semdai - (throws popcorn into Kellindil's open mouth)  
  
Kellindil - (snorts loudly and jolts awake, accidentally swallowing the popcorn in his mouth) Drow invasion!  
  
Semdai - There's no invasion, Kellindil, now watch the movie.  
  
TV - (Darth Vader's voice) Set your course for the Hoth System!  
  
Berg'inyon - What kind of name is 'Hoth' for a system?  
  
Dantrag - And what in the nine hells kind of name is (dramatically) 'Vader!'  
  
Semdai - Hey! Don't dis on Vader! (Vader impression) The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.  
  
Entreri - (shocked) They can destroy whole planets!  
  
Semdai - Yes, Entreri, we learned about that wonderful weapon called The Death Star in the first movie.  
  
Drizzt - Technically, the first movie is really the fourth.  
  
Semdai - Why did they do that? They made 4, 5, and 6 twenty-seven years ago and they're just now making 1, 2, and 3?  
  
Drizzt - What happened to 3? They made 1 and 2, so where's 3?  
  
Semdai - Well it's pretty obvious what needs to happen.  
  
Drizzt - Let's see... (counting off on his fingers) Luke and Leah need to at least get conceived... Emperor Palpatine needs to fully corrupt Anakin...  
  
Dantrag - Emperor Palpatine? Who's he?  
  
Semdai - That creepy, shifty-eyed senator from Episode One.  
  
Dantrag - You mean HE'S the Emperor?!  
  
Semdai - You didn't pick up on that?  
  
Dantrag - How did you find this out?  
  
Semdai - I collected the Pepsi cans of everybody from Episode One and they had a can for Senator Palpatine and a can for some guy called Darth Sidius. I was looking at the cans one day and noticed that Sidius and Palpatine looked very much the same, despite the majority of Sidius's face being covered by a dark hood. Plus I think you can find it in the credits and it's kind of obvious by Episode Two.  
  
Drizzt - I know there are more things that should happen in 3 but my brain just went blank.  
  
Semdai - I know one thing that majorly has to happen.  
  
Dantrag - What's that?  
  
Semdai - Anakin needs to lose some more body parts!  
  
Drizzt - (laughs)  
  
TV - (much later in the movie coming to that all-known scene that people keep parodying.)  
  
Vader - Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father.  
  
Luke - He told me enough. (climbing on metal beams) He told me, you killed him.  
  
Vader - No. (dramatic pause) I am your father.  
  
Semdai/Jarlaxle/Zak - (as if on instinct) NOOOO! (throws their hands up in panic)  
  
Berg'inyon - You guys have seen this movie WAY too many times. (takes a handful of popcorn)  
  
Semdai - Well it's a good movie.  
  
Berg'inyon - (not really paying attention) Yeah sure whatever.  
  
Semdai - (gets annoyed) Grr. (throws a piece of popcorn at Berg'inyon) Asshole.  
  
Berg'inyon - (takes the kernel in the side of the head and retaliates by throwing a piece at Semdai.)  
  
Semdai - (throws another piece)  
  
Berg'inyon - Popcorn fight!  
  
(Popcorn fight ensues.)  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
  
Wulfgar - (sneaks up behind Catti-brie and scares her by clapping his hands down on her shoulders) BOO!  
  
Catti-brie - (jumps in surprise, knocking a box of crunch bars into the cauldron she had been mixing.) EEK!  
  
Wulfgar - (gleefully) Gotcha!  
  
Regis - (whines) Ahh. You lost all the crunch bars.  
  
(The cauldron bubbles up and a deep, scary voice fills the room)  
  
Deep scary voice - These entities of sweet and crispy chocolate goodness have been accepted.  
  
Catti-brie - What?!  
  
Deep scary voice - Oh user of this ACME spellcasting kit, name the terms and purpose of thy spell.  
  
Catti-brie - (scratches head in bewilderment) Huh?  
  
Deep scary voice - (annoyed) For crying out loud! What the hell do you want me to do!  
  
Catti-brie - (blonde moment) Oh why didn't you say so, silly. (eagerly) Do something evil to Semdai Bloodquill!  
  
Deep scary voice - Specify.  
  
Catti-brie - Make Jarlaxle forget everything about her!  
  
Deep scary voice - I cant do that.  
  
Catti-brie - (whines) Why not?  
  
Deep scary voice - I can only do group curses at this stage. For individual curses see Kit#2.  
  
Catti-brie - (growls) Fine. What are the worst things you can do?  
  
Deep scary voice - Constant hiccups. (pause) Enhanced belching. (pauses again) Bad luck.  
  
Catti-brie - Yes! Yes! Bad luck! Curse Semdai Bloodquill and her minions with bad luck!  
  
Deep scary voice - Very well. (the dropped candy bars go shooting off through the roof and into the sky) It is done.  
  
(Long pause)  
  
Regis - I need to go to the bathroom.  
  
(Regis leaves. Crickets chirping.)  
  
Wulfgar - I'm hungry.  
  
(Meanwhile...)  
  
Semdai - (jumps up) STOP!!! (everything freezes)  
  
Jarlaxle - What? What is it?  
  
Semdai - Someone just laid a curse on us.  
  
Dantrag - What kind of curse?  
  
Berg'inyon - (swallows a handful of popcorn whole and chokes on it)  
  
Semdai - It's a bad luck curse!  
  
Drizzt - You can tell that from Berg'inyon swallowing popcorn?  
  
Semdai - I sure can.  
  
Jarlaxle - I believe it.  
  
Zak - You have been whipped, my bald friend.  
  
Semdai - (peruses the script) Where is it?  
  
Jarlaxle - Where's what, Precious?  
  
Dinin - When did he start calling Semdai 'Precious'?  
  
Zak - I think it was in chapter two.  
  
Dantrag - He IS whipped.  
  
Semdai - Ah ha! Found it. It would seem that Catti-brie has placed a bad luck curse on us through an offering of chocolate. (angrily) MY chocolate none the less.  
  
Nalfein - What does that mean for us?  
  
Semdai - It means we must go trick-or-treating and collect the scattered crunch bars before dawn or we have bad luck for the rest of our lives.  
  
Dinin - (sarcastically) Great...  
  
Semdai - So let's costume up and get going! (creates a huge whirlwind that magically changes their clothes into costumes)  
  
Entreri - (dressed as Barbossa from Pirates) This seems kind of weird.  
  
Semdai - (dressed as the Grim Reaper) You wanted to be Barbossa. You said so in chapter two.  
  
Entreri - I guess I did.  
  
Jarlaxle - (dressed as Jack Sparrow from Pirates) This is interesting. (spins his plumed hat)  
  
Entreri - (gasps) Jack Sparrow! I will defeat you! (attacks Jarlaxle)  
  
Jarlaxle - (laughs flamboyantly) Have at me Barbossa! (attacks back)  
  
Semdai - (sweat-drops) Perhaps that last spell was a little too strong.  
  
Zak/Dantrag - (dressed as Lucian and Viktor from Underworld) Grr. (they attack each other)  
  
Dinin - (as Stifler from American Pie) You! (points accusingly at Nalfein.)  
  
Nalfein - (as Finch from American Pie) Me what?  
  
Dinin - (still pointing) I don't know, but this costume demands that I beat the iblith out of you! (charges at Nalfein)  
  
Nalfein - (runs away) You touch me and I bite!  
  
(Dust clouds form around the fighting pairs.)  
  
Kellindil - ( as Legolas) Poor, simple-minded drow. (sighs and shakes his head)  
  
Semdai - (also sighs) Do you think they can get along long enough to stop the bad luck?  
  
Drizzt - (as Aragorn) Not likely. (crosses his arms over his chest)  
  
Semdai - Should I change their costumes?  
  
Berg'inyon - (as Vincent Valentine from Final Fantasy 7) More likely this bad luck is affecting their judgment and they will continue to fight each other despite their costumes.  
  
Semdai - You're probably right.  
  
(Four very dejected sighs.)  
  
Semdai - Well let's get going we don't have all night.  
  
Drizzt - Agreed.  
  
Semdai - (loudly) Do we have to separate you guys or can you fight the bad luck long enough to end this curse?  
  
All - FIGHT THE BAD LUCK!  
  
Semdai - Yes, that's it, fight anger with love.  
  
Jarlaxle - (hugs Entreri)  
  
Entreri - (stiffens)  
  
Semdai - It seems dear Artemis is a homophobe.  
  
Entreri - (indignantly) I am not a homophobe!  
  
Semdai - (slyly) Is that so? (lunges at Entreri) DOG PILE!  
  
(Entreri gets dog piled)  
  
Entreri - Ack! (squirms desperately)  
  
Drizzt - (yelps in surprise) Eek! Someone pinched my ass!  
  
Dantrag - Sorry Drizzt. I thought you were Semdai.  
  
Jarlaxle - (kicks Nalfein.)  
  
Nalfein - Ow! What was that for?!  
  
Jarlaxle - My apologies. I thought you were Dantrag.  
  
Entreri - (crawls out of the pile gasping for breath and with Semdai clutching his leg)  
  
Semdai - You were right, Artemis.  
  
Entreri - Don't call me Artemis.  
  
Semdai - You're not homophobic. You're claustrophobic.  
  
Entreri - Am not!  
  
Semdai - It matters not! We have cursed crunch bars to find! (stands heroically) Onward my valiant squad of loyal dog-like followers!  
  
Jarlaxle - (barks) Woof! Woof!  
  
(Out on the streets...)  
  
Semdai - (floats up and scans the area) Where to start...  
  
Dinin - How come she gets to fly?  
  
Dantrag - Technically she's floating.  
  
Jarlaxle - She's the Grim Reaper. Why shouldn't she float?  
  
Semdai - (floats down and hovers) I sense that the crunch bars are that way. (points down the street)  
  
Jarlaxle - Then that way we go.  
  
(A runty, white and brown cocker spaniel runs out of the first house and barks at them)  
  
Drizzt - (enamored) How cute. (reached down and pets the dog)  
  
Semdai - (fearfully) Hold up. I think I know this dog.  
  
Drizzt - (doesn't here) You're such a cute little thing. (plays with the dog)  
  
Semdai - Testing. (excited voice) Freckles, get Shamus!  
  
Dog - (perks up, stubby tail wagging, and starts running in circles, barking wildly)  
  
Semdai - (scared) I was right! We have to go!  
  
Drizzt - (whines) How come we can't stay and play with the puppy?  
  
Unknown Voice - Jess? Is that you?  
  
Semdai - (whines) Mom, how many times do I have to ask you to call me 'Semdai?'  
  
Entreri - (evilly) Blackmail. heh heh heh...  
  
Semdai's Mom - Is Freckles out there with you?  
  
Semdai - He's right here, Mom.  
  
Semdai's Mom - Would you bring him in?  
  
Drizzt - (eagerly) Can I carry him?  
  
Semdai - (defeatedly) Go right ahead.  
  
(Drizzt picks up Freckles and the group walks across the front lawn)  
  
Drizzt - There you go, Freckles. (puts the dog down)  
  
Semdai's Mom - Who are all your friends, Jess?  
  
Semdai - Mom, these are my loyal dog-like followers. Loyal dog-like followers this is my mom, LeRae.  
  
LeRae - What am I supposed to call them?  
  
Semdai - (points everyone out as she names them) Jarlaxle, Zak, Drizzt, Dantrag, Kellindil, Berg'inyon, Dinin, Nalfein, and Artemis.  
  
Entreri - Don't call me Artemis.  
  
Semdai - Artemis doesn't like his first name and insists that we call him by his last name which is 'Entreri.'  
  
Entreri - (growls) Thank you.  
  
LeRae - What are you doing out at this time, Sissy?  
  
Entreri - (gives Semdai a skeptic look) Sissy?  
  
Semdai - It's short for 'sister' because I'm the oldest out of me and my siblings.  
  
Entreri - (sarcastically) Right.  
  
Semdai - It doesn't matter. We're out looking for crunch bars, and we need to get going.  
  
LeRae - (lecturing) Be careful out there. Don't forget to say thank you. and make sure to look both ways before crossing the street.  
  
Semdai - (whines) Mom! I'm not a little kid anymore!  
  
LeRae - Be safe then. (waves as they leave)  
  
(A ways down the street..)  
  
Entreri - (snickers) Sissy.  
  
Semdai - (heavily) This is going to be a long night.  
  
To be continued...  
  
AN : Alright everybody, this is your last chance to submit a place you want the troupe to go. Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up. I've been kinda busy, camping, going to friends' houses, plotting to go skinny dipping with my buddy Kohaku (which continuously gets foiled for some strange reason), sleeping... stuff like that. Well, this story is almost done. After this I can put some more time into my other fics, Mirror Me Dark, Lord of the Crystal Shard, The Chronicles of the Orum de Umbra (original piece that I will really publish when it's done), and the forthcoming Cold Fire Phantoms (a Legacy of Kain fic). Until next time, Feel free to flame!  
  
Truly yours, Semdai Bloodquill 


	6. Curses, Crunch Bars and Cow Tipping 1

Oh I have been a bad bad bad person making my poor readers wait so long for the final chapter. But please believe me when I say it's not entirely my fault, I was grounded because of a bad grade in english. You'd think I'd be steller at english. Maybe I'll write a mini-halloweenie about being grounded.

I've noticed that when I'm writing, I tend to forget that Kellindil is there. I'm not sure why.

A reviewer also asked me why I hate Catti-brie, to which I started to wonder that myself. I don't have a legitimate reason for hating Catti-brie but she really irritates the (crude word) out of me. Why won't she just come out and confess that she wants to (crude word) Drizzt! WHY!

For those wondering why (crude word) is in here, two of my buddies got in trouble for swearing in Ancient Civ so they starting saying 'Crude word' instead of curse words.

**Chapter Five - Curses, Crunch Bars, and Cow Tipping**

(Our troup of brave heroes, decked out in their costumes, walks aimlessly down a street at night. Other trick or treaters are out as well, but they are mostly little kids with their parents. They stop in front of a building made up stalagmites and stalactiteshanging from the sky no less.)

Semdai (as Grim Reaper) - Look! Up in the sky! (points)

Drizzt (as Aragorn) - It's a bird!

Zak (as Lucian) - It's a dragon!

Dantrag (as Viktor) - (flatly) It's a floating stalactite castle.

Semdai - (disappointed) Well you're not very dramatic.

Jarlaxle - I swear this house looks familiar.

Entreri - This is House Baenre, Jarlaxle.

Jarlaxle - Oh yes, now I remember.

Semdai - Let's go in and see if Matron Yvonnel has a Cursed Crunch Bar... that's a long phrase.

Jarlaxle - Let's summerize it!

Semdai - Yes, we'll call it CCB!

Entreri - (blandly) Sounds like a street drug name.

Semdai - (dramatically) It'll be coded. C-C-B!

Kellindil(as Legolas) - Shall we get this over with already, we only have until dawn you know.

Semdai - (coughs) Yes, you're right. Onward!

(They all run and leap over House Baenre's web fence. Everyone except Drizzt makes it over. He hangs from the top of the fence by his foot.)

Drizzt - Please help me.

(The others line up in front of the fence.)

Dantrag - I don't suppose we could just leave him here, can we.

Drizzt - (frantic) Don't leave me!

Entreri - (picks up a rock) Hold still Ranger boy, I'm gonna knock you loose! (throws the rock at Drizzt. Rocks hits him in the face.)

Drizzt - Ow!

Dantrag - (picks up a stick) You're doing it all wrong. (whacks Drizzt with stick) You gotta do it like this. (Drizzt remains stuck to the fence)

Drizzt - What do I look like? A pinyata?

Dantrag - (ominously) It's no use. (leans on the stick) the only way down now, is to cut off your own foot with a pocket knife.

Entreri - (reaches into pocket) Hey Drizzt, you're in luck. I have a pocket knife on my person. (pulls out a very dull swiss army knife)

Berg'inyon - That pitious blade could barely cut paper.

Entreri - (evilly) I know. All the more entertaining for us while he has to cut his foot off with it.

(Evil grins.)

Drizzt - I don't wanna cut off my own foot!

Semdai - (walks to the base of the fence and chants in dark voice) _Az Naz Gimbatuul_.

Drizzt - (falls from fence)

Semdai - (scratches head in amazement) Wow. It worked. I thought Drizzt was gonna blow up for sure.

Drizzt - HEY!

Semdai - Well, anywhose, what are we waiting for? (runs toward House Beanre)

Jarlaxle - We're going to need a plan to get past the house's defenses.

Semdai - Have no fear, I have a plan.

Berg'inyon - Don't be afraid...be very afraid.

(The troupe takes up spy positions behind mounds, all start singing the Mission Impossible theme music as they dart and roll randomly behind piles of dirt)

Jarlaxle - (dramatically) Up ahead are the minotaur guards.

Semdai - (calculating) We'll need a distraction. (looks at Drizzt)

Drizzt - (fearfully) Why are you looking at me like that?

Semdai - (throws Drizzt out in front of the Minotaurs)

Minotaur #1 - (grunts and points at Drizzt)

Minotaur #2 - (roars retardedly)

Drizzt - (screams and runs away)

Minotaur #1 - (stupidly) D'ya think we should go after him?

Minotaur #2 - (roars retardedly and runs after Drizzt)

Minotaur #1 - (follows)

Semdai - Now, while they're distracted. (rushes past Minotaurs)

Dantrag - (suave, sexy James Bond voice) Next will be the laser room. We can't get by until the lasers are triggered by some disturbance.

Drizzt - (stumbles in out of breath)

Semdai - (looks at Drizzt, grins, and resumes MI theme music)

Drizzt - Not again... (is thrown into the sensory lasers and zapped mercilessly while everyone sneaks by)

Kellindil - (dragging badly singed Drizzt behind him)

Berg'inyon - Lastly is the High Preistesses' Bathing Chamber.

Entreri - Now how are we going to get through that?

Dantrag - Once all those naked females see us they'll be furious.

Semdai - But what about that saying that the only reason drow wear clothes at all is to hide weapons and traps?

Berg'inyon - Only in Elaine Cunningham's books.

Semdai - Then I guess there's only one option left to us. (throws Drizzt into the heart of the bathing priestesses) Quick! While Drizzt distracts them. (they run by while Drizzt is attacked by angry female drow)

Berg'inyon - (triumphantly) Haha! We made it!

Drizzt - (comes limping after them) Why me... (collapses)

Semdai - (runs to Drizzt's side) Oh my poor, little, dark elfie paladin! (gently cuddles Drizzt in her arms) Did the nasty icky priestesses hurt you?

Entreri - (disgusted) Oh please.

Drizzt - (whines) Meilikki, what did I do to deserve this?

Semdai - My little Drizzit isn't mad at me, is he?

Drizzt - My name is not 'Drizzit.'

Semdai - But it sounds so cute. (hugs him around the waist)

Drizzt - (squirms in pain)

Semdai - Oh no! Is my Drizzit hurt? Take off your shirt and let me see!

Dinin - (sarcastically) Semdai, you are the queen of subtility.

Drizzt - What!

Zak - Go on, son, it's high time you finally lost your virginity.

Drizzt - How can you side with this?

Nalfein - Wait one Lloth-forsaken second! You're ninety and you're STILL a virgin?

Entreri - (lights a pipe and puffs on it) Is that so hard to believe?

Nalfein - (exasperated) I cannot believe I'm related to you.

Dinin - Ran away from his graduation ceremony, this one did.

Nalfein - You have got to be kidding me.

Zak - Nope. We kid you not.

Nalfein - That's just sad. Semdai, shag him here and now.

Jarlaxle - What!

Entreri - (puffs his pipe again) Don't worry Jarlaxle, there's plenty of Semdai to go around. Think of this as free porn.

Jarlaxle - Good point.

Drizzt - Don't I get any say in this!

Semdai - (has already unbuttoned Drizzt's shirt and is carressing his chest) Oooo! Drizzt has a sexy tummy. (tickles him playfully)

Drizzt - Whoa!

Semdai - (sexily) No wonder Catti-brie was so desperate to shag you.

Dantrag - (pulls out a deck of cards) Anybody up for a game of Bullshit?

Berg'inyon - I'll play.

Dinin - Me too.

Nalfein - Why not?

Jarlaxle - (pulls out his own pipe) Hey Entreri, got anymore mulch?

Entreri - (tosses him a bag of Longbottom Leaf) Swiped it from Regis myself.

Jarlaxle - Nice.

Drizzt - Hey! Guys! Don't abandon me! Zak!

Zak - You're on you're own kiddo. (pulls out a porn magazine and makes himself comfortable)

Drizzt - Kellindil! If anyone will ever stand up for me, it's you!

Kellindil - Sorry Drizzt. (shrinks into a dark corner) but there's no way I could save you from Semdai's ravenous appetite.

Semdai - (now has Drizzt's pants undone) C'mon Drizzt. It's not nice to keep a lady waiting.

Meanwhile... (in the office of Peoticus)

Catti-brie - (barges in as Poeticus is sharpening a sword while sitting back at his desk) Are you the one!

Poeticus - What one? (stops sharpening and picks up the polish)

Catti-brie - The one with information on Semdai Bloodquill!

Poeticus - (thinks for a minute) What's it worth to you?

Catti-bie - I need to know how to destroy Semdai!

Poeticus - Why? She's a nice person. Crazy, but still nice.

Catti-brie - How can you say that?

Poeticus - (scrutinizes Catti-brie with his eyes) You know... you remind me of the babe.

Catti-brie - What babe?

Poeticus - The babe with the power.

Catti-brie - What power?

Poeticus - The power of voodoo.

Catti-brie - Who do?

Poeticus - You do.

Catti-brie - Do what?

Poeticus - Remind me of the babe.

Catti-brie - (very confused) What?

Poeticus - (laughs) Nothing. Just a joke Semdai and I used to do.

Wulfgar - (barges in panting) Wait up Catti. You run too fast.

Bruenor - (trudges in) Dwarven reserves...failing...

Poeticus - Whoa! King Bruenor Battlehammer! In my study!

Bruenor - ?

Wulfgar - ?

Catti-bire - ?

Regis - (entering) Did I miss something?

Poeticus - (runs up to Bruenor and eagerly shakes his hand) I'm so honored to meet you!

Bruenor - ?

Poeticus - You have no idea how much I idolize you, my king!

Bruenor - What are you about, boy?

Catti-brie - Hey! I was the center of attention! (grabs Poeticus) I must know how to defeat Semdai! Tell me! Tell me!

Poeticus - (casually) Just dangle a Jarlaxle-plushy in front of her nose and she'll be immobilized.

Catti-brie - (drops Poeticus and runs out laughing in triumph)

Wulfgar - (grabs Bruenor and jogs after her) Wait for us!

Regis - (shrugs and follows)

Poeticus - (grins widely and starts dancing happily in circles) I met Bruenor Battlehammer! I met Bruenor Battlehammer!

Meanwhile... (back with our... um... heroes.)

Semdai - (smoothing her hair) Wasn't that fun?

Drizzt - (stares at her) Fun? (he pulls his cloak around himself)

Zak - (looks up from his magazine) You seemed to be enjoying it.

Entreri - (snickers) You lost your virginity to Semdai.

Dantrag - (still playing Bullshit with Berg'inyon and the elder Do'Urden brothers) Two aces.

Nalfein - Bullshit, Dantrag!

Dantrag - How did you know?

Nalfein - (flashes his hand) I have all four of them!

Dantrag - Bane of my existance, you Do'Urdens. (picks up the pile)

Dinin - (puts down the last of his cards) Three twos.

Berg'inyon - Bullshit.

Dinin - (turns the cards over) Read 'em and weap.

Berg'inyon - Oh well. Dinin wins.

Entreri - (puts his pipe away) Can we go now?

Semdai - (slips her sweatshirt back on) Yeah, let's go! CHARGE! (rushes down the hall and runs right into Gromph and Old Matron Baenre)

Jarlaxle - Well look at that.

Semdai - What hit me? (sees Gromph) Oooo! Grouchy old Archmage with the yellow eyes! (squishes him) I want the pretty yellow eyesies!

Old Baenre - (being sat on by Semdai) I command you to get off of me!

Semdai - (notices) Oooo! Wrinkly old Yvonnie! (pokes her in the forehead)

Old Baenre - (angrily) In the name of Lloth, remove yourself from my back!

Semdai - (giggles and pokes her again) Only if you give me a Cursed Crunch Bar.

Old Baenre - (growling) I'll curse you! Insolent Iblith! (attempts to throw Semdai off of her)

Gromph - (tries to sneak away)

Semdai - Wait Gromphie! Don't leave yet!

Gromph - (scrambles frantically)

Semdai - Plushie Touch! (she grabs his legs and her touch turns him into a plushie)

Zak - (scratches his head) Huh. Look at that.

Dantrag - (in wonder) She turned the Archmage into a plushie.

Dinin - Whoa...

Nalfein - Spooky...

Semdai - (to Old Baenre) And the same thing will happen to you, Old Baenre! Unless you give me a Cursed Crunch Bar. (hugs Gromph-plushie) I'll turn you into a plushie just like your grouchy, Archmage son!

Old Baenre - (indignantly) I don't know what you're talking about. There are no Cursed Crunch Bars in my possession.

Semdai - Well then you won't mind if I root through your pockets to make sure. (starts turning out Old Baenre's pockets)

Old Baenre - (enraged) How dare you!

Semdai - (pulls out bag of heroin) Well, would ya look at that. The great Matron Baenre is a heroin junkie.

Jarlaxle - That's interesting.

Dantrag/Berg'inyon - (their jaws hit the floor)

Drizzt - (slowly) Oh my goddess.

Semdai - Hey! That's an Anime!

Zak - I think I saw that one. The one with the geeky college student in love with a beautiful goddess named Belldandy?

Semdai - (secretly pockets the heroin) Yeah that's the one!

Zak - Yep, I saw it.

Old Baenre - (outraged at being ignored) I shall punish you all for this insolence!

Semdai - Oh put a sock in it. (pulls a CCB out of Baenre's pocket) Well lookie here! A CCB!

Kellindil - Semdai, that could very well be a normal Crunch Bar.

Semdai - No, look on the back. (shows it to him)

Kellindil - (reads it out loud) ACME CCB?

Semdai - Gentlemen, our work here is done. (snaps her fingers and they all teleport back to the street)

Dinin - (snickering) I can't believe the great Matron Baenre is a heroin addict! (burst out laughing)

Dantrag/Berg'inyon - (glare fiercly at Dinin)

Drizzt - (oblivious) Hey what's that? (points across the street at a huge, decadent-looking cathedral)

Semdai - (looks) OO! I know that place! That's the Sanctuary of the Clans!

Nalfein - The what?

Semdai - Don't you guys ever play LOK(Legacy of Kain)?

Zak - I have. (grins) It's fun. You can burn people.

Semdai - Thank you Zak. The Sanctuary is where Kain and his five 'sons' hold all their important meetings and stuff. Let's go! (starts toward it)

Zak - Hold up! (grabs the hood of Semdai's sweater to stop her) You really want to go charging into a vampire stronghold?

Kellindil - (scared) Vampire!

Drizzt - (puts his arm around Kellindil) Don't worry Kell, there is safety in numbers.

Dantrag - (groans) Pansy.

Semdai - (whines) But Kain and Raziel are my heros. (slips out of sweatshirt)

Kellindil - (screams in terror)

Jarlaxle - (blushes) Um. Semdai.

Semdai - ? (looks at herself and remembers that she only wears a black bra under her sweatshirt) Oh. That. (blushes bright red) Zak, can I have that back now?

Zak - (hands her the sweatshirt sheepishly)

Semdai - (takes off toward the Sanctuary while putting shirt back on) Hehehe!

Entreri - Here we go again. (the others follow her in)


End file.
